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Mar. 3rd, 2033 | 03:33 am

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be King...


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Mother's Day 2017

May. 14th, 2017 | 11:33 pm
mood: irateirate
music: Otep: Warhead

Ok so wow. What a fucking weird day. It was Mother's Day. I stayed up until roughly 7:30am making Madonna this jar with hand written notes about personal sentiments and affirmations. She tells me she wants brunch at home instead of dining out so I get everything ready and head over there. We have such a nice time together and she absolutely loved the Jar. Before I went to work, I stopped by Mark's house to give his momma a card and briefly see Mark for half a smoke. I get to work and things go smoothly. We get a lot done and things are fine and dandy but Madonna ruined my good day vibes. Around five, she tells me she needs my car to drive to her new job (hers is in the shop, she had me drop it off while she was gone, letting me know just before she fucking left for Cali) to which I reminded her of my plans to take Mark's kid to school. Now all of a sudden I'm the bad guy, choosing that family over my own and how her new job doesn’t matter because that little kid needs to get to school which is within eyesight of their house. I've about had enough of her mood swings. Just because she didn't get what she wanted, she flipped out. She knew for a whole week that this moment was coming but she didn't fucking plan for it. So NOW I don't get to take Mark's kid to school AND what's worse is he asked if I could take him to his new job and I replied that I couldn't. Madonna needed my fucking car. So now this roommate that I'm oddly jealous of gets to do all the Mommy stuff that I wanted to do. And he's like "it's not a big deal", well it fucking is to me. I want to have those kind of moments with you, now I can't. Now she (the roommate) gets to step in. What the actual fuck? Like seriously, I’m livid. I tried to come up with another solution like walking the kid's bike to school but I fucking knew that Mark wouldn't have that. Fuck you Madonna. Fuck you for intruding on my life because you can't fucking adult.

Something is wrong with me. I keep wanting to get violent, punch things, scream. I'm so angry and I have no true release. No matter how much puff I smoke, they'll always be an anger switch ready to flip on. I can't explain why but I haven't been this pissed off in a long time. I intend on not speaking to her OR filling up my fucking gas tank. I didn't intend on having you borrow my car to drive to this important life changing job. WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU PLAN FOR THIS?!?!! She knew. She fucking knew she wasn't going to be able to get her car back in time so what the fuck? She's just a space cadet. Every fucking time I asked her about it today her mind would just wander to a different topic. It kept happening so I stopped asking, I figured she would find a solution but didn’t know it would mean her turning on me. I think what hurt the most was when she said "All the more reason to move..." when I told her not to be upset with me because she couldn't figure things out. She manipulated me with guilt into lending her my car. She also told me she hasn't trusted me since I moved out. I actually kind of regret putting so much effort and time into that stupid fucking jar. She's just going to throw it away in a few months during some fit of rage anyway. Suddenly I feel like I can't trust Madonna because she's able to just turn her feelings on and off. I told her that as well but she hasn’t read it yet. She'll read it before I pick her up. I'll be abandoned at my apartment until she comes back. I better have my fucking car back by the time I have to work.

I wish I could go a day without crying or having some kind of breakdown.

Not a fucking word. Besides the basics, I will not speak a word to her. No more. I don't want a relationship with my mother anymore. I feel like there's been more hurt than love.

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May. 13th, 2017 | 07:23 pm
mood: lonelylonely
music: Soundgarden: Rusty Cage

Sometimes I feel like I can't live without Mark when I don't think he really feels the same at all. He'd probably think on it for a few minutes and then move on. Poof! Like I never existed. He's right. He can't give me what I want, which apparently is everything. He's got a child and a new career, I feel like there's no time for me. Also I feel like if I'm going to give up the puff, maaaybe I should have my own place of reclusion for ultra mood swings, no matter how depressing it may be. It may even be my old house again, I don't know. Apparently things went well for Madonna so she's still planning to move away in the not immediate future. I keep hoping I could move into Mark's house actually but we'll see. Probably not because I don't think he truly cares for me. Maybe I do just play a role. For me, it's not like that. I feel like I genuinely love him. I still suck in my tummy every time he walks into a room. I still get giddy getting text messages from him but I don't know what to do when we're together or what to say.

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May. 11th, 2017 | 12:23 pm
mood: embarrassedembarrassed
music: Three Days Grace: Overrated

I was too emotional to sleep at Mark's house. My aunt is in town so that's mainly to blame. I'm so sensitive lately. I'm a little upset with Mark though. I mean, a few weeks ago he was cradling me in his arms, telling me he cares about me but today, I don't hear a word from him all day. I have to reach out. Am I being melodramatic? I guess I feel like it's too much to ask for damn text during the day. He was off and I worked so I was looking forward to something from him considering I love him. I think that's also why I had to stay away. It hurts too much knowing that he knows I love him but everything has stayed the same if not gotten worse. I don't want him to grow bored of me because we never have anything new to talk about. Sometimes while have a cigarette together and not say a word to each other. I will purposely not say anything because I just want him to say something, anything. I feel like I'm the one that does all the talking. I truly feel like I love him because I find myself staring at him the way Disney princes stare at their princesses. I'm always thinking about him. I also mad because it's like, do you even care where I am? He has a car, would it have killed to stop by this evening? There is a 100% he will never do things like that. Maybe he was right. He told me he couldn't give me what I wanted which apparently is "everything". I feel like we're broken up but we're not even though I'm slightly a wreck. I'm sure on his front, everything is peachy fucking keen. These are the beginning stages of resentment. All he truly cares about in this world is his child and I respect that. I just wish he would talk to me. It's a bit pathetic how much I miss him right now. I wonder if he feels the same way at all. I know he doesn't love me, but does he care if I'm alive? I would be a little pissed if he did something like this to me. Maybe he's pissed at me. I don't know. I don't really care because he's lazy and stubborn and will gladly admit this.

I hung out with my old landlord this evening. Since dropping Madonna off at the airport to fly away to our homeland, I've been going over to her house everyday and feeding her cats all the while spending time with him. Tonight I even brought over a pizza for dinner. A huge pizza that we each had a slice of. I stayed for an hour and watched the news with him. When I announced I was leaving, he told me he really appreciated the time I've been spending with him and that it gets monotonous "staring at these four walls". That about killed me. I've been crying ever since (the true reason I didn't want to go to Mark's). I can't stop myself. I feel so awful that he's so alone all the time. His son visits on holidays and his other son is incarcerated. He gets a few visitors every now and then but for the most part, I'll find him sitting in his chair in the living room with the television off, complete silence. Madonna doesn't visit with him so much and has been stiffing him on the rent. Now I feel like I need to visit him regularly.

I have to sleep now. My brain hurts from thinking too much. I can't turn off the anxiety, no matter how much puff I smoke.

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Back Stabbery

May. 5th, 2017 | 09:33 am
mood: pessimisticpessimistic
music: Avenged Sevenfold: Doing Time

I think I truly hate being friends with women. Like seriously. I'm not sure if it's me being paranoid but after seeing BOTH of them, Anna and Amber, post pics about their bestie gifts, it's like ,"hmmm... ok." I gave her this Daryl Dixon plushie and she gives Amber this really sweet bracelet while Anna is showing off a Daryl Dixon mug. I'm mad. Why can't I be included in their circle? They haven't truly spoken to me in our group chat in months, they kept dodging my question about another ladies night so I stopped asking. Why am I freaking out about losing a friend like Anna? Throughout this blog, I've done nothing but bad mouth her with a few good days here and there. Maybe I shouldn't have spent such less amount of time with her just like I did with Madonna when I started dating Mark. I don't know. To be honest, I hope things work out aka get serious with Mark so HE can be my best friend. Women suck. Too many emotions and back-stabbery. I'm sure I annoyed Anna and she told Amber to which Amber chimed in and now there's this I-Hate-Chelsea club going on. Clearly their simultaneous gift posts were done to make me feel jealous and I don't understand why Anna keeps attacking my Insta. WtF? WtAf. I've got to keep my eye on the prize. There's better things to worry about then maintaining a friendship with someone who clearly lies, gossips, and back-stabs. I've seen her talk shit about someone and then at the drop of a hat, turn around and be completely sweet. It's awful to watch. I actually hated the person I became after hanging out with her so much. I was just a mean girl making fun of people and finding things I usually wouldn't find funny amusing. Obviously she and Amber have formed a coalition against me and I'm not sure what I did to deserve that or how to remedy the situation but at the same time, I really don't give a shit.

But then again, I could be wrong.

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Mixed Signals

May. 3rd, 2017 | 02:43 am
mood: bitchybitchy
music: Eminem: Wicked Ways

I went to the local community college and got some answers. I'm more than a few classes away from an associates degree and I just lament over how much time was wasted not getting it done. It really sucks considering I was about three classes away from getting my degree at my old college but  I just couldn't do it. I liked my freedom and getting into trouble instead. Leonidas was never really a good motivator when it came to inspiring me to succeed. It was more like a Principal lecturing a student with a hint of empty violent threats. Anyway, I still have an awful math class to take, College Algebra, and four science classes. I also have to take two or three electives but I have to know what kind of Bachelor's degree I want to get before taking those because I may be wasting time and money on something I didn't need to take. Ugh. College. I should have just finished when I had the chance. ... that's what she said.

It's absolute bullshit talking to Anna about my career choices. She said our friend Amber wasted her time getting a degree that she doesn't use but in a group chat I spoke to her about it and she completely denied he accusation, saying she used it on a daily in her management style. I wasn't really surprised, hopefully that made Anna feel like a fool for telling me she "wasted her time". She feels like she knows me but she doesn't know how I truly feel about her, how she lies frequently and tries to get what she wants out of you; she'll probably never know these things I feel. Currently I am of no use to her, therefore I'm not relevant in her life, we don't really speak even though we're "besties". I have to force my way in because I want friends in this area. I have to do the same with Amber! She's a good friend to hold on to. Maybe I should have rubbed elbows with the gal that transferred out of my store. She seemed fun but was waaay riddled with drama of her own doing. Anyway, lately on the Insta, Anna has been leaving really snarky comments on pictures all the while not liking any of them. It's like, wtf man. I feel like she's passive-aggressively trying to push me away by doing this. So you know what? Good riddance. I'm trying not to put all my eggs in one basket hanging out so much with Mark, that's why I'm trying to reach out. Oh well, maybe I'll hang out with Amber, see how she likes that. I'm off on Fridays and Saturdays now. I love how she's quick to make up some lame excuse like spending the day with her daughter to get out of last minute plans with everyone or how we set up plans to meet and she changes the time and invited new people. Maybe it's her boyfriend that's such a bad influence. I can't really talk to her about the shitty comments because I'll come off as a psycho if I'm incorrect. But yeah. There have been a few over the past couple of months where after I've read them, I'm just like wtf. So today, I left a comment on a post of hers that talked about how she would kill you if you were mean to animals. I said "now does this include cows and pigs and chickens or just the fluffy, cute domesticated animals?" I don't know how she felt about that, she didn't respond. Actually she left a nice-esque comment on a picture as a reply so maybe since I fired back she changed her tone? Or maybe I'm just being a psycho. Regardless, I dropped off a bag of two sugar-free rockstars, sugar-free Reese's, and a Daryl Dixon plushie with a nice card. Mixed signals, I know but I've been meaning to do this and I felt like doing it after getting so irrationally angry with her.

I spent my two days off stressing out about his poster I made for my work that shows everyone's weekly progress in sales which includes their faces. I got to the very last minute before finishing. I still hate it but whatever, it's finished. Seriously though. I overthought the crap out of this poster. I will mention though: Every mistake that could have been made was made. It was so frustrating. Mark gave me a great idea but I had a lot of trouble executing without his help. I didn't ask for his help because I wanted to get this done. Once it's hung in the breakroom of my work and the remaining missing faces (which is 5 dammit). This process sucked and I really hated it. Other store's have professional board made, printed out on glossy poster paper. Mine looks like a sixth grader did it. Maybe I'll tell a white lie and say a first grader helped me LOL but I digress. I wish I could call out tomorrow but I can't. I have mega errands to run before I head into work around 11am so I guess I better get to sleep.

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What's Wrong?

Apr. 27th, 2017 | 11:53 pm
mood: sadsad
music: Pink Floyd: Sheep

Mark recently asked me what's wrong. I suppose I wasn't too discreet about my change in behavior, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve no matter how secretive I think I'm being about it. It's just all of my anxiety began to flood in with each question. He asked a few times how I was or what's wrong so I'm sure he is or was concerned (he's asleep now, I snuck away to cry and think), but I just wouldn't budge. Sure I seem off, I can't seem to stop thinking about every little thing that's bothering me. Shall we review it? Let's.

-when asked what was wrong for the tenth time, I mentioned "nothing" and that he had stopped smoking so now we don't have those frequent private moments together...... he had no thoughts on the subject. We don't kiss very much, not really even a kiss goodnight anymore either. It's emotionally draining waiting for some kind of attention. I just want his affection.

-That's what this is all about really, my need for attention. His attention.

-I've gained so much weight and feel really, extremely ugly with my fat, oily yet dry and patchy face. None of my clothes fit anymore and I'm having trouble with sugar cravings. We're doing low carb on the 1st so let's see how long it lasts.

-I'm spending too much money on an apartment that I never spend time in yet I can't seem to pull myself away from Mark. We spend a lot of time together therefore nothing seems special anymore. We're always with each other so there's never anything new to report. There's no missing one another because we're always around each other. Maybe I want him to miss me. I want him to show that he cares.

-I'm on the brink of tears at all times. Not sure why. Oh yeah, this list. Let's continue.

-I want to move in but I'm not sure if he'd be okay with that. Also he hasn't said he loves me so why go and do something as precious as that? Because basically I already do live here so why can't it be official? I want it to happen but only if he says it first and that might not happen before my lease it up. Knowing Mark, it'll be directly after.

-Apparently I have a huge sexual appetite because I can't stop thinking about sex. Mark and I do it (weekly according to my calendar and yes I've kept track), it's just not enough for my taste. And when we do, it doesn't last very long. My fault I suppose. I shouldn't get all riled up. It's been weeks since he's brought home any condoms and I feel like that might have something to do with it. Maybe it's because of how ugly I am. Ugh I need a shower. A shower tends to make everything all better. And honestly, I kinda miss my shower at the apartment.

-I absolutely hate my job and it's only going to get worse once the assistant manager leaves, which was yesterday. I can't handle that place without the puff. I'm dealing with all of this anxiety and depression and I'm suppose to lead the team and motivate them to sell/help with this ginormous campaign our company is involved in. FML.

-My relationship with Madonna is deteriorating because we barely speak anymore. We get together for a dinner occasionally or I'll stop by to say hi but obviously things have changed. She's changed. She doesn't spend a lot of time at the old homestead either. And I feel bad about how much time our landlord spends alone. And how lonely Gordon is (I just know it lol). She has plans to leave the state so why am I not banking in on this time to spend with her? Just walking into their house brings me back to a time of helplessness and having to start over. It's a bittersweet smell all throughout the house where I had to fix my broken self. Twice actually. It's home for me.

-This whole quitting the puff freaks me out. I don't know if I'm mentally savvy enough to do that AND still hang around and be normal like he is with this whole not smoking cigarettes. I think I might need psychiatric help with this. I don't want to stop but I know I have to if I want this to work with Mark.

-Is it truly, truly worth changing things about myself to accommodate someone who doesn't or possibly won't ever love me? Should I really consider moving in when I always feel like things may just fall apart? Maybe I feel like this because he NEVER gives an insight to what he's feeling or thinking. I've stopped asking what's on his mind because the answer is always "nothing". He'll ask me and naturally I'll spill my guts so maybe I shouldn't do that anymore? Why do I have to play games? Is he playing games? Obviously he's not quite himself because he isn't smoking but he accused me of being on edge. Truth is, I am on the edge but I can't talk to him about any of it because he'll think I'm a complete psycho, dump me, and move on.

Just shut up already brain. This is why I smoke.

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A Private Hell

Apr. 23rd, 2017 | 02:13 pm
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Stand: Everything Changes

The camping trip was quick but fun. We originally planned to camp Wednesday night through Sunday but we ended up only staying Thursday night. It was fun though, I can honestly say I had a good time. A exhilarating road trip before hanging out at an already set up campsite. We roasted bratwursts and marshmallows, drove through the dunes where I got violently ill (probably from the shitty foods I'd been eating) and watched the stars. It was going to rain on Friday morning and Mark's parents had already been camping for about a week so we thought 'ho hum, let's just leave tonight'. It was tough having to walk about a quarter of a mile just to use the bathroom so I'm really glad we didn't stay longer than that. Usually I have to make a trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was odd sleeping with Mark and Kiddo but in the end, I felt like we were a family as we snuggled/spooned together for warmth with Kiddo in the middle because Kiddo didn't want to not sleep next to one of us. Falling asleep with my feet tangled amongst Mark's and his hand on my side with Kiddo's little body keeping my back warm, that will be quite a memory. I bought some light up balloons to use while camping but we only used it so Kiddo could have a "nightlight" since Kiddo went to bed earlier than us. The adults stayed up to snack and play Phase 10, oh how I love this game lol anyway, it was a good trip. I liked the drive back home even if it was dark. We left a little before 9 for our three hour drive (.... a three hour tour...). We came home to a mini party going on with the other roommates of the house and a boyfriend. Bottles of booze laying everywhere, loud music, dirty dishes residing in the sink. When we fed the dog that night, he seemed to scarf it down, leading us to believe he hadn't been fed since the morning before we left.

It's honestly a private hell wondering if he'll ever love me. He has his demons but I think I've done more than enough to show that I'm in this for the long haul. He made some good points about not knowing who I really am without the puff. Really, I'm a neurotic, angry person who enjoys being funny. That was nine years ago. I blabbed like a stupid idiot that he was the one, I wanted to grow old with him, start a family with him and Kiddo, you know, tender hearted stuff like that. The sad part is instead of running away to my apartment so I could lick my wounds, I stayed there. I slept in his bed with a broken heart. I still feel it. Yesterday was a difficult day for me as I'm trying to stop smoking the puff (ultimately for him and Kiddo) but I just couldn't help but feel all of these unnecessary feelings of insecurity and depression. I told him I had to run some errands (which I did) and went to a dispensary. This is going to be tough not smoking considering it's easy as pie to get to now. Before when I stopped smoking, puff was decriminalized yet. Now, it's a challenge. When I had to stop smoking for my DUI classes, I just couldn't do it. I paid the extra money for the terrible-tasting detox drink that fucked me over three weeks before finishing then I paid even more money for the fake pee for every weekly visit on top of buying puff every Money Day. See my dilemma? What if I just reserved it for night time? Yeah right, like that's gonna help at all. It would roll over into the afternoon then the mornings. Ugh. The only way to do it is to do it. This is the ultimate challenge because once the puff is gone, I can't drink booze like I was. There's no hiding that from a former alcoholic. I'd fuck everything up by doing that. I feel like this vape puff pen makes me more depressed because the last time I used it frequently I was experiencing more than usual signs of depression.

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A Killing Blow

Apr. 17th, 2017 | 12:13 pm
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Limp Bizkit: It'll Be Ok

Mark just told me last night that he doesn't know how long it's going to take him to bring us to the next level, when he can say the L word. He asked me how I felt things were going and asked how I would feel if it felt like this for a while, a year, two years, five years? Obviously it's a crushing blow to me. Here I thought he was on the verge of saying it when in reality, I'm further away from the finish line than I thought. I told him how I felt, everything that had been on my mind the last few days; Growing old together, starting a family with his child, being a family with his child. He told me what if he stayed in that house for years and I replied that I didn't care. I wanted to move in and take care of his family when he cannot and be that person for him. It's just the waiting game for me, as usual. He kept saying he would rather be honest with me than three years of built up resentment turning into the mother of all fights. Sadly, it's him, not me. We're not broken up because we both like the way things are, it's just... things could stay like this for a long time he says. In his past, every time he's taken it to the next level things have gone psycho. Of course I mentioned that I'm not them and how could he lump me in with the rest. He has a lot of demons, either that or he's stalling. He also mentioned he kind of regretted having that conversation with me because of how much pain he caused.

Earlier I mentioned how Mark is the one when obviously he isn't. The One doesn't put up such a struggle to show love. I am a perfectly capable and smart woman that doesn't need to rely on him for financial bullshit that loves his family and his child, SO WHATS THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?? Were his exes carbon copies of me? Wtf. WTF. He also brought up a great point. A small factor in all of this is the puff and I knew it was issue from the very start, no matter how much he said it wasn't. He mentioned that he doesn't really know me without it since I've been smoking since we first got together which actually next month would be a year but we start from the date that we got back together. So obviously if I want to get closer (regardless of what he says) I have to quit smoking. And now he wants to quit smoking cigarettes in May, like seriously?

He said he wouldn't go back on his decision when he broke up with me and yet he did anyway. Who the fuck knows when he'll say it but I'm sure it feels pretty fucking great having someone hopelessly in love with you and you not feeling the same, it's like having some kind of power over me. I knew I shouldn't have slept there. I should have just left and cried it out at my apartment. He actually thought that the reason I spend so much time there was because I wanted to keep tabs on him, because I thought he was cheating. This charm of an idea arose when his cuntfaced ex decided to leave a comment on my Instagram and I told him about it rather than let it falsely fester inside. But whatever, you know? It's fine. I'm supposed to just grin and bear it.

I feel like I'm going to be eternally sad because of this event. Things like our one year anniversary won't mean anything, it won't have any substance because there's no new feels attached, it'll just be how we are which is the same all the time apparently.

I feel like such an idiot for being so raw with my emotions and confessing my hopes and dreams. Typically I thought you could share that stuff with your mate without crying afterward. I figured I could tell him these kinds of things and it would change his mind? I don't know. We're not broken up but my heart feels broken. It hurts to hear that you've reached a cap, your boyfriend doesn't know if he can ever get to the next step because of his "demons". I told him from a salesman's perspective, since I've reached a cap, I have no incentive to give anymore. I got no real response as our conversations were broken up because people walked in or locations changed. He truly hates talking about how he feels and I don't really like that. It's important you know? To talk to one another.

But whatever. I said he was worth it, so I'll wait.

But is he worth it if he's willing to put me through this? I need an unbiased third party to hear me out on this.

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A Lord of Leisure

Apr. 13th, 2017 | 08:33 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: Rolling Stones: Start Me Up

I spent my days off being a lord of leisure. I didn't do anything special in particular, just spent the majority of my time at Marks house. I got to meet his aunt from the East Coast who was a very nice lady. I also got a chance to speak with Mark's brother about Mark and his two exes. He had mentioned that I was the most laid-back girlfriend that Mark had had and I told him I didn't believe him, that he was just saying that. It was refreshing to hear that the mother of his child is an extremely shady individual who habitually cheated and that his recent ex, that stupid cuntface, is a pathological liar who even believes her own lies. Just hearing these things and little details washed away the fear that Mark was cheating or being unfaithful. So I'm not trying to jinx anything but I think this is it. I think he's the one. I have a hard time pulling myself away from him. He's so lovely and smart. I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world and I hope he feels the same.

Mark has had it at the P&W. He applied at a few places and even had an interview this morning. I really hope he gets it because it would be such a better place for him. He wouldn't be so stressed and he wouldn't be working as much but at the same time making more money. I'm so glad he interviewed well. Fingers crossed! My job on the other hand... where do I begin. I've been made captain of my store for a huge marketing campaign and I'm in charge of the store's OTC section and all of the signage. Oh and our assistant manager (my beacon of light) is leaving the store in two weeks for my dream store and guess what? I've heard they're Not replacing him. My boss asked me if I could step up and strategize so we don't fall behind while losing our staff. Uh, yeah. Okay :\ also this DBag of a manager. I'm getting sick of him changing his schedule and then leaving early and not communicating that with me. I have to find out from another employee, like wtf? I tried to talk to my boss about it but she didn't seem to care. I guess too much on her plate.

What I want to happen in September is to finalize plans to move into Mark's house. I'd be happy to pay rent as we have discussed in the past before I got an apartment but I just really want to. As I've said, I think he's the one and maybe that's the right step? I'm just sick of all my stuff being in my apartment yet I spend all of my time at his house. It's basically up to him because I don't want to impose. If he chooses no then I'll stay at the apartment but hmm... that may not be a good sign for us. It hasn't even happened yet so why am I tripping? I just really love him. I wish I could tell him. It's almost slipped out a few times. I even had a dream about him saying and me saying it back then thinking what a minute... this isn't real lol he's been really passionate lately. Last night, there was a lot of foreplay. Dirty stuff that has crossed my mind all day. He's kind of amazing and I'm glad that he's mine.

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