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Mar. 3rd, 2033 | 03:33 am




<3

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be King...

<3

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Stinky Thoughts

Sep. 10th, 2017 | 02:32 am
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: Rammstein: Amerika

Well. All in all camping was okay. I couldn't get a good night's rest because the "mattress" we were sleeping on was truly uncomfortable and there was a dog crowding my leg room. Kiddo poured a few times after she was denied access to a baking game I had shown her on my phone. I got really jealous and selfish, like I didn't want Kiddo to enjoy my phone like i do. I told Kiddo that we're camping, let's leave the electronics for when we're at home. Kiddo throws a fit once a shower and bedtime are threatened once we get home and there won't be any time to play. She had already pissed me off this morning, mainly when she asked me (in front of everything) why I put on makeup. I didn't do a very good job so of course everyone has to look at me. Mark's mother said "to feel human" and she was right. Kiddo woke me up and that wasn't a good start to my day because Kiddo isn't very good at. Extremely persistent when it comes to playing my baking game. I figured if I put on make up that I would feel pretty because I looked pretty but I didn't feel that way. Especially after Kiddo asked me that a few times. I have to remember the kind of child I'm dealing with her. Kiddo is growing up just like me. Only child, kinda single dad with an overbearing grandmother. Kiddo has a lot of learning to do. So yeah. Camping was fun. We went to the beach and hung out for a bit. I listened to Kiddo scream every time a wave crashed down and flooded our feet with cold, salty water. Every sand castle wall Mark built was destroyed by the tide. We ate low carb sandwiches because Marks dad "forgot" the bread (Mama Bear is doing low carb anyway, coincidence?). The next day, aside from the Kiddo meltdown, we lounged around until it was time to go. I was a bit emotional on the trip back. Normally I love being in the car with Mark but I was just sad. Sad because he doesn't love me. Sad because he may never love me. Sad because I have to hear him respond to his child or his mother's "I love you"s. Sad because he came inside me thinking I would be okay with the fact that he hasn't said those three little words. They're important to me. I wish they would be important to him. Every shooting star, every "11:11", the last two birthday wishes, every loose eyelash on my face softly blown away, they've all been the same wish. I should give up on that entirely because why waste the energy?

Two more days at that dreadful store and then it's over. I immediately start my new job the next day. Anna is working me on Tuesday night. Not really sure why. She asked if I could take her to the dentist that morning to have a bunch of work done and then asked if I could give her a ride home from working at my store. I told her "that's weird because I'm closing." Maybe they assumed I wasn't going to do it. Mark said I shouldn't. His mother said I shouldn't. I don't want to do them wrong. As much "wrong" as I've seen there, it's whatever. I don't want to completely burn the bridge here like I did at Chippy's. So anyway, one of my last nights won't be so bad IF Anna decides to work after having so much dental surgery done. I'm going to have to wait around for two hours while she's having it done. Then drive away merrily to our own private hell. I was just reading an entry from when I first started at the P&W and I described being thrown to the wolves without any training. Eventually that bullshit caught up to me. I mean, that isn't entirely the reason why I've decided to leave however it's pretty embarrassing being assigned a "manager" task and never being trained on it's done. All the training is receive on the spot was never completed in a sense. Something strange would pop up or a new error code, some wall corporate has designed to forward you elsewhere, bullshit like that. It was never a training from A to Z on a topic. Hopefully this new company will be better suited to my needs but I'm not looking forward to waking up at 5am to be at work an hour later. It'll be less stress and more time to focus on my life which in my personal opinion is out of control.

Ugh I need a shower. I stink.

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Mini Vacay

Sep. 8th, 2017 | 07:13 pm
mood: excitedexcited
music: Korn: Everything I've Known

This camping experience so far hasn't been terrible. We've just been hanging out. I've really been trying to savor and enjoy the not-working experience. I certainly have a lot to do when I get back but that's not for a couple of days. Mark and I went a little road trip, first in the wrong direction. It was cute. We went south instead of north and didn't realize it until about a half hours worth of driving. It don't matter to me. I really love driving around with him. He's found a great radio station and with the laughs, it's always a good time. Now I have a new conversation I'm struggling to bring up with him. I really want to marry him and currently he's in no position to do this. I told him I wanted a baby in the next ten years, he said "we'll cross that bring when we get to it" and then later cums inside me for the first time ever. This is a guy that doesn't like making quick decisions so this was a big deal. And he told me to calm down. Ugh! Anyway, I want to marry him and I want him to love me for me, not because I'm carrying his child. I need to be honest and firm about these things.

Back to camping, we made smores and they were amazing. Next time, we'll steam them in foil on the griddle. There's a burn ban because of the wildfires happening in the surrounding area. We're going to the beach tomorrow. Should be a grand ole time as I absolutely love the beach.

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Change Of Pace

Sep. 7th, 2017 | 01:33 am
mood: lovedloved
music: Slipknot: Wait and Bleed

So uhm wow. I finally summed up the bloody courage to just tell Mark how I felt about wanting a child within the next ten years regardless of what his reaction would be. In the end it was "okay" and "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" and then a brief conversation about how old we would be in ten years. Later on that evening, I seduced him and well, he's never done it before and I don't mean to sound vulgar but he came inside of me. I sort of lost my grip (that means two things) and questioned him about it afterwards. I said it was a big step and he told me to calm down. Well it is! I mean, maybe I should have thrown in there that I would like to be married before I have a child; that's why I've put such a long expiration date on this. That's another thing I'll have to sum up the courage to just casually blurt out. Anyway, I'm tripping on this cumming inside of me business. I think I'm most flattered because this is a change in his behavior. He's always been so careful. I even informed him of the very large package of condoms in my dresser drawer. This is a big move though. "Calm down." You calm down! What if I get pregnant this very evening? I kind of wanted things a little different for this nine months of hell. We had mentioned during our conversation about the subject that he wouldn't want the child to have to go back and forth between parents, like Kiddo does. Like I did. Now I have to press him for marriage because that's the one last true value I have. I need to be married in order to reproduce, why do I keep forgetting this important fact?? I've broken the other promises I made to myself for him but it wasn't his fault, I'm a weak individual that's been blinded by love. It was my decision because I love him.

Ugh. He and I are quitting cigarettes today and I'm not sure how I feel. It's a competition rather and he's completely eliminated the puff/coffee challenge so it's just smokes. I'm a bit relieved because I'm not ready to give up the puff. I use it for medicinal purposes, not just recreationally. I'm waking up early to take Kiddo to school and then handling all my bills before figuring out how much money I have to play with. My next check after this won't be the normal amount because I've taken more time off than I anticipated. I have to stock up on provisions because we're going camping for three days and two nights. It should be fun. No sex but it should be nice. It should be nice.

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The War Of Work

Sep. 6th, 2017 | 11:43 pm
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: Billy Squire: The Stroke

I didn't have a chance to finish my thoughts on the subject of quitting. I probably should but I use it for multiple purposes: pain, anxiety, emotional distress. I'll be silently freaking out about something but there's a small part of me inside that's saying "dude you're being irrational. Stfu." But on the outside I'm still pissed so when I sneak away to the smoking lounge, after a toke and time to think it over, I'm back to normal. Is that normal? Probably not. Mark and I haven't spoken about it other than me being glared at because I was in the lounge with Clyde. When I followed Mark to the patio, I could tell he was pissed and then he said "let's just quit cigarettes." Sadly I can't live without it otherwise I may turn into a mega bitch, only temporarily.

Ok... So... LOL wow. Work. It's a shit storm. Like a tornado filled with feces. So yesterday I get to work and the assistant manager who opened hadn't bothered to look at the schedule so she assumed Theo was working. I saw his name all over stuff and thought it was weird that he was working. I saw his name on this list of cleaning duties and was like, "damn, I'm glad I wasn't given that to do today, fucking hell." I make sure the money is right and encounter a few questions about my resignation then make my way to the floor to find the assistant and ask what the fuck she wants me to do since my name is no where on the list. She walks me to the office and apologizes for assuming that he would close. She complains about shit he didn't get done the previous night then hands me the cleaning list with his name on it and says get this stuff done. Then she tacks on a couple of other tasks thinking I'll get everything done and then takes off.  What the actual fuck. It's like they don't realize we spend a lot of time helping customers and fixing shit that the previous shift should have done. I spent ten Fucking minutes today looking for a damn broom and then when I found it and I had to search for the Fucking dustpan. Why can't these things be together where they're supposed to be??! This is the epitome of where I work. What pisses me off the most is that I asked the girl at the register if she'd seen the dustpan and she said no. Five minutes later I decide to check behind the counter and there is it, not fucking TEN feet away from her fat ass.  Fucking hell that pissed me off. I waved it around her and asked her, "remember when I asked you where this was?" Like literally though, I had a panic attack about this. First the list, then finding what I need to get the first thing done which is to sweep the fucking parking lot, then actually getting to it. I did a few things on the list, knocked out the tasks she added on, and did my job like I'm supposed to which is being pulled away from what I'm supposed to be doing to help others. I left without writing more in the management log that apparently I started for myself. I sped away with a joint pressed between my lips while I called the complaint hotline and filed a retaliation claim against the assistant for Theo and myself. I chose to remain anonymous but come on, they know it's me. There's only two fucking managers and Theo was already named. This way they can't talk to me about it. I just have to call later this month and ask what the fuck. Today was my three year anniversary with that fucking hellhole. I've given it a cute name but in reality it's Walgreens. Fuck them. Seriously. I have half a mind to contact a labor lawyer and ask if them scheduling managers without a half hour break because they're the only one on the shift is legal because I bet you it isn't. Eight hours without a true, uninterrupted break? Gtfo.

I paid Septembers rent. One more bloody month and I'm out of there. I still have a couple of questions for the property managers. Well I suppose one question and a bit of bad news. I really hope that my name doesn't get dragged through the mud when/if Walt doesn't find a new place to live in November. He'll be the one occupying the unit, not me, but both of our names are on the lease. It wouldn't be fair for both of us to get in trouble if only one stays beyond the lease expiration. I still haven't told her Mark and I aren't moving in but at least I have a legitimate reason: job change. Mark was talking to me the other day about rent when I move in and he said that he would give me half of the rent that I owe to give to his mother. He would cover the other half because he feels it isn't fair that I'm the only one paying rent. I think that's a little ridiculous though, not even Jemma? She's not blood related, wtf? Anyway, that was really sweet of him to say/do. Now I'll have even more money to pay bills with and save for the holidays.

I finally did it. I wrote down all my thoughts and sent a letter to Pinkie. She's read it but hasn't gotten back to me. In a nutshell, I told her that I was sorry for what had happened and asked for forgiveness. Now the ball is in her court. Maybe she's thinking about what to say back? Perhaps she deleted my message and never even read it. I don't know. Only time will tell. Chet and his clan are completely dysfunctional. Not sure if I've mentioned that but when I was down for a visit, I had a drink of a friend who told me about Chet's life and his twins and how he and his girlfriend are the worst parents in the world because all they is game and smoke. I figured he'd be that kind of parent. Ugh, why God? Why would you allow someone like him to reproduce? Speaking of which, I don't know why I'm not letting Mark in on my hopes of having a child in the next ten years. I'm truly afraid of his reaction. He's not the best at talking about things or going along with excitement. I also want to tell him that I hope to be his wife someday and that maybe he should think about legally separating from his ex. Will this stir his anger cauldron? Will he tell me to fuck off? Who. The fuck. Knows. All I have to do is say what's on my mind and watch the magic unfold.

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Sex & Toast

Sep. 2nd, 2017 | 03:23 pm
mood: bouncybouncy
music: CKY: Dressed In Decay

I was woken up this morning with sex and French toast. Ok maybe the French toast was made by Mark's brother but still. It was really nice. Mark hopped into bed to cuddle and when I checked to see if he had any clothes on... well, relations ensued. Good ones too. I felt bad with my morning breath and I hadn't showered so I wasn't as fresh as I wanted to be. His child comes back today. These two months flew by. Kiddo goes to school on Wednesday. We're going to the fair on Monday where I WILL be getting my face painted. I was stupid and competitive by telling Mark that I could go longer without a cigarette than he could so now I guess on the 7th we're quitting cigarettes. Then he upped the ante and requested that I stop smoking puff if he stops drinking so much coffee. I don't know how I feel about this. I haven't been truly sober in over ten years. When I stopped the puff, I drank. A lot. That's harder to conceal in my opinion.

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One Of The Worst

Aug. 31st, 2017 | 05:32 pm
mood: pessimisticpessimistic
music: Godsmack: Love-Hate-Sex-Pain

So today. Today was by far one of the worst days I've had at my job. So many things went wrong: new hire left early in tears, registers weren't working, homeless people harassing customers then telling me to fuck off when I'm telling them the cops have been called because they've been told over the last couple of days they're not allowed to do that, questions and calls for me at every turn. It was absolute bullshit. I tried to call for backup when I couldn't handle it but they were arriving in forty five minutes so what's the point? Ugh it was bad. Probably worse than I make it out to be but oh well? I guess that's what I'm paid for? I finally got confirmation from this new place that it's on. Fuck, even leaving my two week notice was unsatisfying. My boss asked me (on my way out the door btw) to open for her the next two days and I said sure. She was leaving for a whole week and I didn't have a affirmative yes or no from this new place so I couldn't very well give it to her without all the facts. I sent her an email with a simple sentence and left my notice on the computer. Of course Theo asked what it was and of course I told him. He asked where I was going and I said no where but it's going to be great. No way am I letting these people know where I'm headed. The two good parts of my day were receiving confirmation and talking with our soda vendor. During this chaos, I managed to have little chats with him and he mentioned that he worked for this company I'm headed for and the team I'm working with is a piece of cake, it's just that the hours suck. I was relieved to hear that. It's going to be so nice not being the person in charge and having to deal with all the bullshit. You know what I think is most bullshit? When the new hire went home, all the registers went as well but then my boss called from her mystery store (because I'm not allowed to know where she was going even though Theo told me what was up just not where she was) to ask how things were. I told her they were bad and that I couldn't talk. It was just me and someone else because my third person was on lunch and the other left. "Oh dear". That's basically all she had to say. Obviously it's going to get real when she catches wind that I'm quitting. I just wish it could have been a sweeter moment giving this letter to her. I always leave it in silence.

Oh well. Maybe it's for the best.

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Miffed

Aug. 29th, 2017 | 08:53 am
mood: crankycranky
music: Metallica: Shoot Me Again

I woke up to Mark getting out of bed naked and was immediately pissed off of not knowing this fact last night when I crawled into bed after a GoT sesh. Why did it upset me? 'Why am I so mad about this?' Well for starters, I'm absolutely horny for that guy, no joke, 24/7 and recently I've come to terms with long-term goals I want to happen, like the whole marriage and a baby thing. He's not interested in that but I am. Moving in to his house will make it all the more awkward when this relationship inevitably blows up in my face as they tend to do when I think I'm madly in love with someone because he doesn't want the same things that I do. 'But this is different...' Ugh, didn't I say that about the last two? I probably did. I don't remember, that was many, many moons ago. But this morning, I mean UGH. Maybe I have mental problems because after smoking and then smoking some more, I'm still miffed. When I came to bed, he didn't make any moves like he wanted to get it on, usually he does. It's like "The Signal", it's on. He threw his pajama bottoms at me but I was completely oblivious to the fact, I turned around to look at him and he stuck his tongue at me like he does. Maybe that my signal? Is that the new signal?? Words Mark. You have to use words. We never really have it all that enough so to miss an opportunity like that... let's just say he's in trouble when I get home from work.

Ugh work. So I signed the new hire paperwork yesterday. It's happening. I keep going back against it because I'm walking away from a lot of money and guaranteed pay. What if this turns out to be like that Blondie's and Coffeehouse joint situation? Leaving one job for another but then crawling back. I've signed the paperwork, they're completing a background check as I type this. The gears are in motion and I suppose I don't feel comfortable giving Mark so much power over my finances (because he said he would help) or my life considering he hasn't said he loved me and he was naked in bed last night and didn't tell me anything. Dafaq!

This is my opportunity to free up my schedule for school because that is what I have determined is most important. Although the store manager I recently interviewed with said experience is the key, in the occupation that I've chosen, you need credentials. But I could switch that up to business to complement my experience. Even though I told them I plan work around school, it should be the other way around. I have zero money right now and no puff. I'm nervous. I have to ask Mark for money like he's my father. This sucks. Now that we're moving in here, I'll be able to save some money but not really because it'll be kind of like having the same amount of money to work with after my rent chunk was taken out. Fuck this sucks. I know I'd rather climb the corporate ladder for a different company because mine is currently dropping the ball left and right. They made things so awful for me and I can't forget that. I've never been so stressed or emotionally disturbed on a job.

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Life Changes Again

Aug. 27th, 2017 | 11:33 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: Bloodhound Gang: Something Diabolical

Well. Life has certainly changed in a matter of a couple days. Mark and I spoke and decided to stay at his parent's house. I'm taking the job and will be giving my two week notice to my Boss tomorrow. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. I hope Amber's husband was wrong and that this place will be an okay fit. And just as Mark reminded me, if I don't like it, i can find another place to work; it's not the end of the world. I feel a tremendous weight has been lifted. Now I'll have less job responsibility and more time for school and other things. My money won't be tied up in fucking rent, that'll be nice. With the decision of staying put/me moving all of my stuff to Mark's, I've told Walt to just forget about taking my name off the lease. I'm sick of discussing it (which is what I said to him) so now that drama has been absolved. I didn't even mention that he's about to get hit up for fines and guess what? I'm not paying a cent because they're not my fines. I don't even fucking live there. He actually had the audacity to try and compromise with me: if he signs my contract, I'll keep paying the rent even if the leases expires so he won't be homeless. Not to sound heartless but fuuuck no. When the lease is up, that's it. My things will be gone. I'll no longer live there, therefore, I'll no longer be wasting a large percentage of my hard earned money for that purpose anymore. I wish I could keep my high paying job AND stay at Mark's but with the high paying job came too much unnecessary stress, stress that could be resolved if people weren't so lazy or ignorant. Ugh. Life is about to change dramatically.

I'm obsessed with makeup subscriptions right now. I've researched a few and once I'm not feeling so poor anymore, I'm signing up but only for two, maaaybe three. Full size cosmetics too, not sample sizes. One of the gals I work with got me hooked. She told me about one and I demanded a link to sign up. Once my money is freed up, I'm going to aggressively pay down my bills. I was doing so well paying off the bullshit from Lee and I. Wow, that was ten years ago. Ten years ago I met that son of a bitch. I wish he could see me now. I wish I could see him now and tell him to his stupid face what a piece of shit I think he is and thanks for the life lessons. I'm still friends with his nephews on Bookface but why stir the pot? I'm sure he's still homeless, scouring Craigslist personal ads for the next $40 "massage". Absolutely disgusting. I can't believe I wasted my time with that bullshit. Back to my money lol now I can sign up for Word Vision or feed the hungry and help a family in a third world country too. I'll have more money for Christmas. Hopefully! I mean, the hours aren't guaranteed but I'm sure once I show them how well I can adapt, they'll cross train me for different departments. This is secretly what I've wanted at my current job but couldn't because of my leadership status. I have to save up for school too, ugh. But NOW! I may not make enough money and can qualify for grants. Possibly even state benefits. Wow. So many changes. I'm really in love with Mark and am hesitating with thoughts. I want to tell him my long terms goals with him, which include moving out and having a baby within the next ten years. I really do want a child of my own and he's an acceptable mate, regardless of his lack of emotions. He's a stable goofball and I want his last name attached to my first name. Sadly he's still technically married to his child's mother and that disturbs me. I mean, I want forever with this man. Can he give me that? Can he give me eternity?

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Intentional Brain Farts

Aug. 26th, 2017 | 11:53 pm
mood: worriedworried
music: Faith No More: The Last To Know

Life has been really odd lately. I had an interview yesterday morning that went really well but it would be quite a different experience: lower pay, shorter hours, I mean possibly not at the time but yeah. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and there's a part of me that likes it and there's a part of me that's terrified. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I truly truly fuck up? What if a secret slips? Mark and I are discussing it when he gets home from work. I'm exhausted. I've set myself up to work for fourteen days straight. Like wtf did I doooo??? I really need the money though. And Walt!

Oh Walt. Fucking Walt. He hasn't signed the form given to him by our property manager to take my name off the lease but he isn't having it. I'm not sure if he's trying to fuck me over or what, damn. The true reason I'm taking my name off is because I was advised to by a friend, you know, the property manager. I told her that Mark and I wanted to move in so she and I worked something out that would be happening when my lease expires. However! She advised me to take my name off of the lease because she's going to serve compliance fines to Walt and his girlfriend because she's always around and speeds through the lot and anyway. Yesterday evening he asked me to come to the apartment and I was going to but Mark convinced me to call. At first I wasn't because I promised Anna I would meet her downtown for a drink after the art show. While driving, I call, he has "brain farts" on the reason why he's uncomfortable with taking my name off the lease, he's not making any sense and he keeps asking what happens if he finds a place before the lease is up? Well we already know the answer: it'll cost us about fifteen hundred dollars so fuck that. Then Walt's girlfriend chimes in and I basically lost interest in the conversation when she brings up the fact that Mark and I will have an easier time finding a place whereas Walt on his salary will not. I kept telling her that doesn't make any sense to me because it doesn't have anything to do with me taking my name off the fucking lease. I hung up on them. Mark and I are speaking in the morning as I've said because if I take this job with less pay and less hours but more time for school, it might just be financially better for us to just stay in his parents home. Hmm... we'll see what happens but yeah. After Walt was gonna fuck me over BIG time, I provide a written contract that he could use to take me to court if I fall back on my word and he's gonna treat ME like I'm the sketchy one?? Fuck that. Fuck him and fuck her too. This is bullshit. If we stay then fuck taking my name off the lease, I just won't speak to him in person. I'm so mad about this situation. I wish it was just Fucking over and done with.

Madonna isn't doing so good in Cali. Nether is Leo. It's weird at thirty years old, I didn't think life would be this complicated.

Fuck I'm exhausted. Eight days to go.

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