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Mar. 3rd, 2033 | 03:33 am


All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be King...


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Broke Again

Jan. 13th, 2017 | 08:33 pm
mood: contentcontent
music: P.O.D.: The Messenjah

Friday the 13th. Oh dear lol

It's interesting to note that this year in August I will have maintained this blog for seven years. It's a great shame that I've only blogged with apparent enthusiasm for the last two years but oh well. I learned a lot from my relationship with Lee and have gathered more knowledge on the path to "the now".

I still haven't slept at my apartment yet. It's a convenient place for my things and this cat that I've acquired but I really need to spend more time there. I bought an "entertainment center" today, well half bought. Walt is paying for the other half. Mark and I are picking it up today and I'm going to assemble it when he goes to work. I'm excited about spending time at my apartment lol

It was pay day yesterday. All my money is virtually gone but the bills are paid and that's all that matters. I've got some money to use for groceries and incidentals but yeah. I'm broke again lol. Still, it feels good to have bought this furniture so I can stop talking and dreaming about it. Next is a couch and a coffee table with some accent tables and lamps, then comes the art. Maybe even a smaller couch or a recliner. I don't know. I don't want to acquire too much because when that time comes to leave the apartment for good, it'll be too much to move. But why live life like that? Why deprive myself of the good stuff?

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FMJ

Jan. 10th, 2017 | 10:43 pm
mood: angryangry
music: Seether: Careless Whisper

Ok so fuck my job lol I really, REALLY wanted to call out on Sunday because of the weather and for selfish reasons but that wasn't happening. The opening manager had an excuse, he lives miles and miles away. Driving in this snowstorm would have been dangerous for him but for the fucking LAZYASS graveyard manager who wanted to get a head start in her fucking week off, she has now been shunned. It pissed me off so having to save the day but whatever. That day was ridiculous. Anna didn't answer her phone or even <I>bother</I> to message me Sunday or Monday, but of course she messages right away when she gets there. So fuck that noise. I can't be friends with a selfish person. I just can't. I've noticed that since I've become friends with her, I've become somewhat of a mean girl, placing judgment or poking fun at someone. She sent a video complaining about this problem coworker and I want to tell her so badly that I haven't even acknowledged her since she hung up on me a week ago but fuck that. We are slowly making our way into becoming acquaintances. Maybe I keep trying to find a reason to not care so much about her, I don't know. But this whole up and down, you're talking to me then you're not, it's bullshit. Anyway! Of course when I got there I had to take my lunch right away because that manager wasn't even supposed to be there that day.

Working with Anna today was bollocks. It's like she was giving me the cold shoulder on purpose. Obviously she was being weird to me because she changed her demeanor when interacting with others but when it came time to address me, she got quiet and frowned, like <I>I</I> did something wrong. I'm definitely not graveling at her feet, asking what's wrong every five minutes, sadly I think that's what she wants. I asked her once, it was a weird answer so I asked again later if she was having a bad day or something and she shakes her head no. Yeah. Real "best friend" behavior going on there. FUCK this. I don't have time for his bullshit. Maybe she's upset that I've started my own dubsmash instapage but you know? whatever; ours is basically just me and she can't prioritize getting a new phone since hers is cracked to shit. Maybe she's having problems with her boyfriend and doesn't want to discuss them with me because oh know, he's a psycho. Oh well. I have to worry about <I>my</i> life and not these flimsy relationships. This passive aggressive bullshit will not stand.

On the plus side, my boss finally gave me an exit date. I've got a week left in that horrible place and fortunately, I planned a four day weekend for myself coincidentally on my last week. I feel bad leaving everyone in the lurch but at the same time, I don't because fuck this store. This is a good company to work for (I suppose) but fuck this particular store. I'm nervous about the new one because it's in the downtown area but oh well. New store, new challenges.

Mark is sick and I'm going through kissing withdrawals. It's not pleasant. I tried to sleep at my house but around 5:30am, I messaged him saying that I couldn't sleep without him (which is true) and he texts me back twenty minutes saying "come on over". I couldn't resist the invitation. Hey! At least I got my apartment in order. All the the Christmas stuff aside from what's left in my trunk (because it wouldn't open) has been neatly packed away for next year. My room is so clean that it looks bigger. I'm excited for the summer. Mark had mentioned the obvious, that he couldn't spend the night at my place because Kiddo may need him but when Kiddo leaves for the school break, he said "it's on". Now the pressure sets in to make the living room actually livable. Financial Priorities. Ugh.

I've prayed about my attitude and hope that I can just forget about this incident. "He who angers you controls you."

"Heal and grow, heal and grow." -Mark Corrigan, <I>Peep Show</I>

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My Heart Sings

Jan. 7th, 2017 | 08:30 pm
mood: lovedloved
music: Pantera: This Love

It makes my heart sing to hear Mark say "if we move in together, well <I>when</I> we move in together..." while he was simply talking about getting an old school, non HE washing machine in the future but still. I haven't stopped thinking about it. Today is our sixth month anniversary. No fancy plans. I've slept at his house for the last two weeks. It's been a bit chaotic going back and forth to my house and frequently packing an overnight bag but at the same time, I've enjoyed every second of it. Now if only he'd drop the L bomb. I thought it would happen on this milestone of an anniversary but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm just glad we're spending so much time together. As I've said in the past, he's really amazing when in reality he's actually quite average. Not exactly though (to me) because he's a veteran with a good sense of responsibility and a complete goofball. He's something special, also very modest. I wish he was mine for good.

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Wheels In Motion

Jan. 6th, 2017 | 10:13 pm
mood: impressedimpressed
music: cKy: To All Of You

Oh boy. This year has been a blur so far lol I've managed to keep myself tidy and get as organized as possible with the amount of time I leave. I'm trying to manage my time better. I don't think I've spent a night in my apartment this year yet. I really don't care but it's just funny to notice. Mark and I have a great time together playing video games or being in one another's company. He sort of keeps me grounded when I start taking offense to something minor or have a skewed perspective. I like that about him.

I heard from my new boss today. Apparently I'm starting in about two weeks. My old boss has two weeks to find a replacement but who knows how long that could take. She told me this was "tentative". I'm just going to soak up all the good things I like about my job and hope for the best in the future. Maybe make a few mental notes of things I'm NOT going to miss. Oh my, that would be quite a long list.

I had my first gathering at the apartment today. Anna and our mutual friend Kristin came over to play board games and drink wine. It was fun. A little hectic because I didn't think about snacks or anything until last minute. I made some Lil Smokies and laid out some cheese squares and candies. It was a hit! I only wish my living room was in order. I'd like a more comfortable setting. The dining room was nice but I wish we could have played in the living room with the TV on or something. I don't know. I have to start thinking about others. Next Thursday, we're headed to Kristin's house for the same affair. I have to bring something other than my Monopoly Office edition and raspberry cider (damn that was some good stuff). Anna made butter beer for Kristin and I as gifts this holiday season so we drank that as well. It's a great shame I didn't have vanilla ice cream to pour it over. It was fun being the host. I actually made my room look nicer to impress these slags and I hope to spend more time there now but that probably won't happen. Falling asleep in Mark's arms is too great of an experience to miss out on

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Happy New Year

Jan. 1st, 2017 | 11:53 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: Nirvana: Polly

I had a pretty good New Year's Day. I've never been one to go out and party and I knew that Madonna would be alone this year so instead of spending the holiday with Mark (as it was his birthday) we had sushi at our favorite place and hung out at her house. I helped her take down the Christmas decorations as well. I'm finding it easier to balance my relationships lately.... anyway! It was a good ole time. Mark loved his robe that matched his pants. He's tossing his old robe, that's how much he loves it. I'm taking us out to dinner for his birthday on Wednesday. Can I just say how cute it is that before we fall asleep next to each other, he has made a comment about our six month anniversary coming up for two nights in a row now? He's adorable. And his kisses are intoxicating. After I spent my time with Madonna, I went over to Marks house to find him in bed. I got in my pajamas and crawled in next to him but unfortunately we both weren't tired so we got up had a cigarette and played some video games until I got tired. Then as we were laying in bed, he starts to tweak my nipples.... needless to say, five hours into the new year and I got some, WOO! As I kissed him goodbye before I left for work this morning, he asked for one more and I don't know why but my heart sings when he asks for more kisses. This is going to be a good year.

The transfer at work hasn't happened. I haven't heard a word from my store manager or my future store manager so I guess I'll be calling the future store manager tomorrow. The longer this takes, the more I don't want it to happen lol .... but it has to happen. It's long overdue. Fuuuuck that place.

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A Letter To The Past

Dec. 31st, 2016 | 11:59 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
music: Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day

Dear 2016,

It was been, in a word, exquisite. Let's take a look at some highlights and lowlights of the year in chronological order.

The year started off with me failing a drug test for my DUI diversion course, having to start the three month program all over again with just a couple of weeks left. That was quite a defeat, I felt hopeless, like I wanted to give up. Why I was using the stupid specially timed cleansing/cloaking drink and not fake pee or just quitting, I'll never know. I wanted to abandon my ship and start over again but I couldn't. There was no where else to go. This was it for me. The beginning of the year also marked the start of not being able to drive until October. Ugh, that took forever. I relied solely on Madonna, my landlord, Jimmy, occasionally Anna and eventually Mark for rides everywhere. I hated feeling so helpless. It sucked but this was the consequence I had to face for getting in trouble. In January, I also applied to work at my dream store across town and after being denied, I was humiliated. I could barely look my boss in the face since I had to call and inform her of what I was trying to do directly after my interview. Oh well, we must move on. So yeah. The year got off to a rocky start.

In February, I was proposed to by Jimmy. It was a rather romantic affair in the cafe he worked at after hours. He decorated the place and made a private meal for us. Never in a million years did I think I would be proposed to and it finally happened. The ring was really gorgeous too. It felt nice... for a while. As you can see through my tale, our relationship was very tumultuous before and after he popped the question. I knew it wasn't going to last. He was awkward and reclusive and I just wasn't attracted to him like I was in the beginning. I waited too long to break up with him and for that, I feel most guilty.

March was a big month for me. I completed this horrendous diversion program which included attending thirty AA meetings to show the current courts I wasn’t a flake by taking care of my drunk in public charge from three years prior (oops), most of which I was accompanied by Madonna; One or two of these meetings I brought Jimmy because I thought he really needed but he shrugged it off (later claiming it helped, anything to get me back). Anyway, I paid off all the diversion fees to put me in the clear for my court date four months later. In March, I also officially broke up with Jimmy five days before his birthday and a week before he was taking me to see Faul McCartney in Portland. It was shitty timing but I just couldn't take it anymore. I definitely wasn't happy the way a newly engaged woman should be. I couldn't maintain the guilt of being with him out of pity or so he could fill the role of boyfriend. And I certainly couldn’t handle the baggage he was bringing to the table. It was time and obviously he hated the idea.

April was filled with work and steering clear of Jimmy's advances. I stupidly held onto the ring simply because he asked me to which sadly created a false hope for him. I made an awesome Easter egg scavenger hunt for Madonna with clever personal rhymes and a mega prize basket at the end. When she read the first riddle, I forgot who I was dealing with because she didn't get it at first lol Still we had fun together and that's what matters. What happened in May was completely unexpected. Jimmy was still pawing at me but I wasn't budging. I had caught wind that one of the technicians in our pharmacy had broken up with his girlfriend and we had recently become friends on Bookface. I had had a little crush on him for some time <I>before</I> we friended one another so I thought screw it, I'll tell him how I feel.  "I always thought your girlfriend was a pretty lucky lady." And that was it. My life changed. We started flirting and hanging out on the seventh and became exclusive on the twelfth. The twelfth was also the day I gave Jimmy his ring back behind the P&W. I wanted to cut all ties so I could devote myself to Mark. This was the first time I had ever broken someone's heart and actually had to watch them crumble before me. Regardless, my heart was moving on ergo I had to move on. Mark and I dated, having late dinners or a cup of coffee at our favorite diner across town and drove to the beach as well, one of my favorite things to do at night. He wasn't who I thought he was. With a thick exterior, he's actually quite a goofball and a softie who enjoys playing video games. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other. I was really falling for him and I felt like he was falling for me too. Then suddenly it all stopped.

June came and with it, heartache. Mark's ex was really trying to break the two of us up by texting me stupid trash and sending him my mugshot to scare him away. It was ridiculous. Eventually though, it worked. She gave him a sob story and tugged at his heart strings (having a big heart: one of his many qualities I would come to know). He silently broke it off through a text message on the night we were supposed to go on a double date with his sister and her boyfriend. I was crushed. At that point, Unfortunately my whole world stopped. I felt destroyed. I had opened up and talked about marriage with this man, I thought it was all good but I guess it wasn't. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. What's worse is we worked together. Tuesday nights hurt the most. I was the only manager so I had to interact with him at the end of the night. He would bring me the registers from the pharmacy so I could count them and walk out without a word. My heart broke each night. June was tough. I finally pieced myself back together with a lot of help from Madonna, stranger's compliments from the Internet and calling off work to recuperate. It took a lot to dig myself out of that wretched hole. I'm glad I was able to speak my mind to him that day behind our work, asking him how he would like it if someone had some pretty extreme feelings for his child and then just took it away because of a psycho ex. Anyway! In the end, I was happy and felt stronger having gone through such hell. I even lost a bit of weight. I slowly got my confidence back.

July was a whirlwind of emotions. It started decently with Mark more or less crawling back to me, realizing he wasn't happy without me. I remember that night like it was yesterday. He had dropped off the tills and of course I did not want to make eye contact with him so I made myself look busy at the computer. As he was clocking out, I could feel him standing at the time clock which is directly diagonal from our work computer, as if he wanted to say something but then he quickly clocked out and scurried off. Then I got a text message: "What's Up". It took some time to forgive him but eventually (months later) I would get over the grief and jealousy of being left for a pretty unstable person (they have history and I can understand that, thankfully it's over now). He gave me a week to get out my frustrations but unfortunately I kept them in for quite a bit longer because I'm Chelsea, that's what I do lol. Anyway, my birthday was alright I guess. My coworkers surprised me with a Luna from Sailor Moon fruit cake that wasn't gluten free so I didn't even get to have a bite of it. Still it's the thought that counts. Nobody really does things like that for me anymore so it was nice. I have to rewind back to the beginning of this month because Madonna had been diagnosed with a disorder at the beginning of the summer and it really affected our relationship. When she realized I was back together with Mark, she insisted that I move out. Over the course of the next two months, she was back and forth with the subject, even buying uhaul boxes one night and hastily packing up my things on another. It was mental. I feared for my cat's safety and truly hated going home at night. I went to Idaho with Mark and his kid for a week which was fun, seeing a new state, getting away for a while but Madonna sure wasn't happy about it. Life was strange, I was in constant tears. I was so happy at my terrible job and spending time with Mark but at home, life was grim. I had to do something.

October was scary and not just for Halloween's sake. Eventually I grew tired of Madonna's terrorism and acted on one of her threats, to "gtfo... stupid bitch."  One day I was having lunch in the break room and was chit-chatting with Walt, a fellow coworker who I've worked with for a couple of years now that has always made me smile. Earlier this year, I had heard a rumor that he was looking for an apartment with Martin, my mega crush from the past, but that idea fizzled for them when Martin transferred away. I asked if he was still in the market for such an endeavor and come to my surprise, he was. So after weeks of searching for something local that fit our specifications and an awkward phone call to Leonidas, I found the perfect place. Madonna was very upset about this but I really needed my sanity and sense of security back. I was living in packed-up mode for two months, almost moving into Mark's house but thankfully holding off. I really felt like I was relying on him too much at that point and no offense, but what if he breaks up with me again? I’m not going through that kind of debacle again. A week after moving into the new apartment, I got my license back. The ultimate freedom. That was it, Life was back to normal. Having to pay my own way has been tough. I've had to call on Madonna's help a few times and maxed out a credit card to fix my car, but oh well: it's my bloody car. The only asset I have left in my life besides my brain. Aside from the guilt of "abandoning" Madonna, life has been pretty swell since then.

To be fair, October was pretty friggin awesome as well. From getting my freedom back to becoming more independent. I also got a pay raise and now make the most money an hour that I ever have. Still think we're underpaid but even though that place is a cesspool, I feel blessed to have such a job. Halloween was pretty sweet. I wore three costumes since I had to work the holiday weekend: Queen of Bats, a German Barmaid, and a sexy witch; The most festive I've ever been lol. I carved pumpkins with Mark and Kiddo and they came out really great! Eventually Madonna realized she couldn't ignore me forever since I texted her every other day to ask how she was when I moved out. She said we wouldn't speak for a while if I decided to leave but I didn't believe that for a second. Thanksgiving was nice. I had to work but ate a quick dinner at Mark's house on my lunch break. Madonna and I had an informal thanksgiving dinner a few days later so she was not forgotten. I've genuinely come to miss her since we don't live together, just like my doctor said would happen. Our time together is special since we're not in each other's faces everyday. Before the major holiday, I got a chance to work in some other stores for the P&W across town. I was astonished at the difference in customers and sense of urgency. It's convinced me that now I have to get out. Our store isn't like other stores lol it's special in a bad way. I missed the opportunity to transfer to a really great location in a town over and promised myself that this was my last holiday season at this store and when another position opened up somewhere, I would take it.

Christmas was pretty spectacular. I managed to pull off buying gifts for all my family in the Springs AND sending them on time. It cost a fortune but oh well, it was Christmas. I made goody bags for my coworkers with lottery scratchers and brought fun stuff to the holiday potluck. I went out with a bang because this was the last time I'd be doing something like that. I bought gifts for Mark and his family, maybe too many for Kiddo lol Madonna was taken care of. I forgot a few people but all in all, I did pretty well. They were still accounted for in the end.

I really grew a lot this year. A lot of maturity and experience has been placed on my belt. It's been a crazy ride and I hope that this year, things will be even better. I made a few resolutions, a few promises to myself and I hope to achieve them as <i>this</i> is the last year of twenties. Ugh, I'm getting old.

Much Love,

Chelsea Mimieux

Resolutions

-Be more Kind/Generous

-Maintain/Lose weight

-Save money

-Be more punctual/prepared

-Out of debt by 30

-Quit smoking by 30

-Finish associates degree

-Get back on stage

-Send cards/Communicate with Family

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Certain Paranoia?

Dec. 29th, 2016 | 07:38 pm
mood: moodymoody
music: Slipknot: Prelude 3.0

I can't believe how everyone is treating me at work today. I don't know if it's me, but yeah. Except for the blind few, for the most part, no one has said hi or shown any interest in even standing next to me. And of course my department's overstock cart was trashed by who ever had to dismantle a few OTC displays, most of which could have gone out in the shelf. Ugh, I fucking hate this place even more. I suppose I'm waiting for a replacement because I still haven't heard a word.

I've been too emotional lately. Getting over jealous of a six year old? Making something out of nothing? I'm guilty of this frequently. I just wish this transfer would happen already. I feel like I'm floating in limbo.

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Full Speed Ahead

Dec. 28th, 2016 | 11:30 pm
mood: anxiousanxious
music: Q-Tip: Vivrant Thing

It's happening. Oh yes. It's happening and there's no going back. The word has already gotten out since my boss has to post the job offer so anyone can apply. Obviously it got people talking which sadly initiated Anna to text me. She messaged earlier about how she just realized the gifts left in front of her locker yesterday were hers and Sara's. I wonder if she even opened them yet. Ugh. Anyway, I'm excited. I'm excited because this is a new opportunity and I was getting bored/tired of my current store. I'm sad because there's a few things I'll miss about my current place like seeing my boyfriend from time to time or messing around with the other manager at my level, smoke breaks with Anna. Dear Science, I hope they don't have me coming on as the opening manager. Fuuuuck that. I have to work really hard to show them that this was not a mistake and that I deserve to be at a better store. The current one is just... it's the bottom of the totem pole. I feel as though employees get a sense of relief when they no longer have to work there. It's miserable; very hard to find solitude amongst the chaos.

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A New Beginning?

Dec. 27th, 2016 | 08:23 pm
mood: nervousnervous
music: Limp Bizkit: Take A Look Around

Honestly though, I don't understand why I'm getting the cold shoulder from Anna. I'm not going to be her little puppy dog, asking if she's okay, trying to cheer her up. Every time I try, she makes me feel stupid. So... I guess we're not friends anymore. I really want to transfer to be honest. It would make time with my boyfriend even more special since we wouldn't see each other at work and there's really no joy to be had there. My boss tried to talk me into staying but I'm really not looking forward to just sucking it up. I keep thinking about transferring so obviously it's something I need to do. Still have to call the employee hotline to complain about a member of staff that disrespected me the other day and wasn't written up for it. I should have sent her home but whatever. At the new store, I'd still be making the same amount, only I'd be dealing with a different crowd. A different team. A different store. A different manager. Ugh. Fuck Anna. Why is she being this way? It's kind of like she's saying fuck you by not saying a thing to me, treating me like a fucking stranger. I went in to get Mark's mother some mints and she treated me like a regular customer except she didn't ask how my Day was, etc.... so, ok. If that's how you wanna play this bitch, then I guess I'll play. I fucking hate being friends with women because of this mother fucking shit right here. The cold shoulder for no damn reason at all. I guess she doesn't need someone like me in her life anymore sooooooo good riddance. I suppose I'm playing the same game since I refuse to ask why she hasn't spoken to me in the longest time, but again, I'm not playing or giving in. Maybe she thinks I've pushed her out of my life to make room for Mark. What. The fuck. Ever. I can't do this back and forth anymore. One week we're friends, the next week we're acquaintances. Don't throw about the word bestie if you're not going to treat me accordingly. I have to transfer. It's just the same cycle at my store. It's pure bullshit.

So I did it. I've called the store that's supposedly hiring for a manager. Apparently the girl that the manager has in mind is having problems submitting an application so she'll be calling me tomorrow. Oh dear. I've set the wheels in motion. Sorry but this is a personal vendetta. Fuck the lifers in this store because they're not going to change or leave, like ever. Fuck having to clean up after Anna's shit all the time. Fuck the disgusting kitchen that nobody seems to give a shit about. The amazing assistant manager that's here is NOT going to last, he's too efficient. I don't want to obsess on the fact but I'm really excited that this might happen.

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