Dec. 26th, 2016 | 08:31 pm
music: Faith No More: The Last to Know
So I think I'm pretty much done being a "good" friend to Anna. I'm a little offended that as her "best friend" she couldn't even bother to send me a Christmas message. She's on Bookface and everything but it's like 'hmm...nothing? Not even a message in the group text?' I sent a message later in the day specifically to her but I've received nothing. I feel like dropping off the gifts or maybe tossing them onto her balcony. One of them is a bottle of wine sooo yeah, maybe that's not a good idea. I know it's silly to be upset about something like this but fucking hell, we're supposed to be "best friends". Usually they're on your list of people to text and shit but whatever. Maybe I <I>should</i> transfer to the other store across town. This store is so miserably comforting, I hate it. Eventually I'm going to have to leave so why not now? Start the new year with a new store. Ugh. I have to stop changing up my plan. My plan to give a minimal shit about this place and enhance my life by finishing my degree and maybe getting into something more important like healthcare or real estate.
It feels good to condense my belongings so why do I feel the need to spend money every time I have it? The bad phase where I could never afford anything is long gone now. I use to rationalize overspending because when I was with Lee I never got to spend my money on anything fun or anything just for me. Fuck, that was four years ago now. Occasionally I'll think about him, wishing I could tell him one last "fuck you" to his face you know? I was calm and as courteous as I could be when I randomly showed up to take everything out of storage. I know now that I did in fact leave my photo albums in that bloody storage unit. They were left behind. All those memories. My stomach hurts when I think about it. Never again will I put myself in a situation like that. Three years I paid for that storage unit. Ugh.... whatever.
I hope I don't offend Mark when I tell him that I'm headed home instead of cuddling up in his bed. When he asks, he seems a little pissed off but quickly gets over it. I wish I didn't have to leave but unfortunately my life is in my apartment, not at his house. I'm trying to limit my sleepovers to Tuesdays and Wednesdays, maybe a day on the weekend. Waking up next to him is quite possibly one of my favorite places to be. Apparently he got some fleece sheets for Christmas that are super soft..... can't wait to sleep on those lol
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Dec. 25th, 2016 | 11:53 pm
music: Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
The Year of Overcooked Hams LMAO
Christmas was very nice. Quiet. Low key. Christmas Eve, I woke up laying next to Mark, my favorite place to be. It was an easy going morning, I got to open their gifts and vice verse before I went to work. Mark and his family bought me a freaking laptop AND printer/scanner/copier. I couldn't believe it. I was very, very surprised which as I've mentioned before, is hard to do. He enjoyed the wrap job I did on his Sega console. I decided to give that to him now instead of on his birthday a week later. He'll have a game that he ordered back in July to occupy his mind so why not squeeze in some quality time with this classic console? He liked and so did his kid. I also liked it. I can't wait to play later lol His kid liked the gifts I bought. I feel like I may have spoiled the child a bit but oh well. Lesson learned. This kid made out like a bandit. Well deserved I suppose. Kiddo was good all year long. Now... what to get Mark for his birthday? Ugh. I'm leaning more toward things he needs like a box of coffee k cups or cigarettes. Idfk. He's having lasagna and cake at home. I don't want to be boring but I have no plans. Also it's a holiday, New Year's Eve. Do I spend it with him or Madonna? I just like him so much and Madonna and I have a bond that makes us inseparable. Decisions, decisions.
I walked into work not knowing what was to come. Thankfully Anna showed up. I was nervous that she wouldn't considering she called out the previous day because of back pain. Work was unforgivingly hard. Like probably one of the worse shifts I've done there. It was freakishly busy. I couldn't get a single thing done. Thankfully that's over now but damn. It was tough. I could feel my body wanting to give up as I raced across the floor all night. Ringing people up was a nightmare, I'd get stuck at the register for half an hour sometimes. Everyone got the same pleasant experience from me as a cashier but let me say that it was tough to maintain. I got through it relatively hate free and right before my eyes, he holi-craze are over. Sure we'll have some traffic for the Christmas clearance but there'll be a nice break until the beginning of February.
Having Christmas Day off really helped. Unfortunately I slept a lot. After work, I checked my empty PO box (Leo never sends it on time anymore lol), stopped by Mark's house for a smoke and a snog, then headed off to Madonna's. She had dinner waiting as well as appetizers. I ate entirely too much and couldn't really help with the dishes. I literally passed out on the kitchen floor because we were hanging out and talking but I didn't want to leave the room. We woke up the next morning and the landlords family had asked us to make potatoes (I think) but we slept through that. Then we woke up about an hour later and were chatting a bit until the landlords daughter in law knocked on the door to summon us down stairs. Madonna said there was a $30 limit but she exceeded that greatly. It made my gifts look like shite. I thought she would really like the mug with her cats on it (well Mr. Pinknose is mine) but she said "so I'm that kind of lady now huh?" They laughed but that was kinda my Wow gift to her. Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff for my kitchen, an LED glowball, lava lamp, a scale, and some other goodies. It was a really great Christmas. After overeating at dinner, Madonna and I went for a small walk to make room for all the food and then promptly passed out. Three hours later I woke up and she was still asleep. I figured since she was still asleep, maybe I should just leave. Apparently the landlords children had clogged the sink supposedly with potato skins or something and left without clearing the counters of food. So guess what I did? I cleaned the crap out that kitchen while the almost ninety year old landlord pumped away with a plunger, not making an progress. I cleared the counters, cleaned up the Christmas madness in the living room, stacked the dirty dishes neatly next to the sink. I think they have to call a plumber. Ugh I wish there was something i could to help. I felt bad asking her if she would be mad if I left. She seemed a little tiffed but I think after I cleaned up a bit so she didn't have to, her tone changed. She was exhausted anyway. After many trips to the car, I left for Mark's to have a cigarette with him and learn/play about a new game he wanted me to try. He likes to flip through games whereas I'm more into learning everything about one. When Mark asked if I was staying the night and I declined, he seemed a little pissed off. I have such a hard time saying no to anyone, especially him but I'm working on it. I came home and unloaded everything out of my car, including my stupid asshole ex Lee's baseball cards. For some reason Madonna wanted them so I finally got those out of my trunk. My car is completely empty and it feels good.
Omg Martin texted me. After all the time that's passed since he texted me and I didn't respond, he was thinking about me on Christmas Day. I hope Anna had nothing to do with it but that definitely made me smile. I texted back right away. The ball is now in his court.
Back to the grind tomorrow. I close for the next two nights and then have the following two days off. I'm looking forward to a nice break. On Christmas Eve, I went to Mark's house for lunch/Christmas dinner (overcooked ham but at least it wasn't burnt like mine was for the potluck last month) and I thought it was quite adorable that he starts asking his brother about when I could bring my car round to his shop for a look around. "Usually she spends the night on Tuesdays and hangs out on Wednesdays." Yeah, that's my usual schedule. And I love it. I hope the future for us is bright.
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Dec. 23rd, 2016 | 07:33 pm
music: Limp Bizkit: Don't Go Off Wandering
I woke up in the sourest of moods. My back was in pain so I didn't sleep very well. Somehow or another this snowballed into jealousy and self loathing. I'll just leave it at that. No sense in getting uncomfortable again. I'm not sure why my mind creates such inaccurate thoughts because Mark could tell something was wrong. I'm not ready for him to know just how truly unstable I am, Im hoping this all goes away. Maybe with the holidays it'll fade. I thought to myself how broke I am and that always gets me super depressed. I've maxed out my credit card, a dollar in the bank, I've got my last hundred that I can't touch because it's for rent. Christmas is taken care of but I wish I had more cash to buy little things. Why do I do this? Why am I like this? I have to be more careful with money. I keep checking my PO box for Leo's gift and it feels pathetic every time, ugh. So many plans and so little money, maybe. Nothing is for certain so I can't get my hopes up.
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Dec. 22nd, 2016 | 10:34 pm
music: Bad Company: Run With The Pack
Looking back, there are two things that I really regret not doing and that would be leaving behind my photo albums from my trips to Germany as well as not writing a letter to the year 2015 which I do annually to oversee the highlights in the road lights of the year. 2015 was for lack of a better word ridiculous and maybe that's why I didn't bother to write.
I'm kinda getting sick of Anna's little white lies. It's like why? I called to see if I could work earlier since I close every night this week and after a bit of arm pulling, I was able to come in an hour early but Anna had changed her schedule because of a "doctor's appointment" and didn't mention it earlier when she botched about not having the same schedule every week (she bitches so much when employees are late because they didn't look at the schedule but uhhh she just did the same thing sooo? Lol) Also asking the hot cop for coffee instead of your boyfriend is kind of... idk, weird? Ugh why. Why am I like this? Why is she like that? Since her boyfriend has been back in her life, she's been quite different and I can't say anything about it. Even though friends, I just can't. It pisses me off just a tad when I mention something nice that Mark has done for me and then goes on and on about all the things her boyfriend has done. Ugh. I'm sick of it. I wish I could vent about this to Mark but he might take it personally. I don't know.
Aside from sending my gifts out at sort of the last minute (later than I anticipated), i'm very proud of myself for getting all of my Christmas shopping done before the holiday. Granted I went broke in the process but it's all for a good cause. I'm hoping next year will be a battleground for me, myself and I as I'm going to try to be a little harder on myself when it comes to finances and eating. I have to remember how much it sucks not having any money or how much it sucks being fat, keeping in mind how awesome it feels when I accomplish something even minuscule.
I keep making all of these plans for my annual Christmas gift from Leo. Have I ever thought about what would happen if he didn't send it? Or sent a smaller amount than the usual? Sadly I would be devastated. Anyway, I keep leaning toward practical things like a tune up for my car, some new bras. Then I start thinking about things I've wanted since I moved like a dresser, maybe some bookcases or living room furniture. I've decided to put my tv in the living room so now I have to make it a nice place where I'll want to hang out. My room as well. Maybe subconsciously I stay at Mark's house because it's not ascetically pleasing to me (come on, he's the boyfriend lol). I've been really blessed to live in the luxurious houses that Leonidas had. I guess I'm still growing accustom to this lifestyle again, cramped living spaces and no furniture, just moving boxes. I hate that I've come from a rich, over-privileged background because it's really starting to show as an adult just how useless I am. Mark would kick my ass for saying something like that but it's kind of true. Anyway, back to the point, I really want to finally unpack everything so maybe a dresser and bookcase would really be the best decision. I'm definitely buying an otter box and once it arrives, I'll have my phone screen fixed. It's ridiculous how I pay for phone insurance every month and yet I'm paying $120 to fix my screen. My phone insurance company is kind of a pain in the ass to deal with (my service provider sold them to Madonna and I) and I don't feel like backing everything up and all that. I'm sure it's an easy process that I'm making a mountain out of but whatever. I've been considering turning in my phone and upgrading once the screen is fixed. Ugh but then that's more money. I'll be getting paid on Thursday as well. Boy do I have a lot of bills. Ugh. I have to be okay with what I have and be more creative when it comes to food choices. Lunchbox! I need a lunchbox.
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Dec. 20th, 2016 | 01:13 pm
music: Led Zeppelin: Black Dog
I realized yesterday that my work potluck is on Wednesday a.k.a. tomorrow and I haven't prepared shit. I have plans for Goody bags with my favorite candy and lottery scratchers as well as Christmas tree brownies for the breakroom... AND drinks because there was a good deal on Pepsi and no one had signed up. This is it though, this will be the last time I go all out from my work because I have a lot of bills to pay and frankly I feel like these people could give a shit if they're giving free stuff or not. I Must remember though that this generosity is unconditional. Anyway, I bought a bunch of stuff to bring over to Marks house because typically on Tuesday night I spend the night since we both have Wednesday off. Brought over all the gifts for him and his family that were under my tree and can't wait to add them to the stock pile that's accumulating on their mantle. I'm waiting for two more presents to come in the mail, one for Mark and one for my secret Santa at work so those need to be wrapped. I also still have to wrap this frying pan and packages of soup spoons for Madonna. Today I found four perfect boxes that fit inside of each other so I'm going to wrap each box and send Madonna on a Christmas frenzy lol
Five days until Christmas. I'm excited :)
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Dec. 19th, 2016 | 08:53 pm
music: NiN: Various Methods of Escape
So honestly I think Mark is the one. We were driving "home" (his house as I've come to know) from Walmart the other day and he asks me how much money I have. I hesitate then ask why. He proceeds to tell me that he's a concerned boyfriend and was just curious, then says if I need anything, just ask. I was shocked. Never have I EVER had a boyfriend say anything like that to me. He's so incredible. I have to force the "I'm losing him" thoughts out of my head sometimes because for the most part, I can tell he really likes me. From the way he touches me or nuzzles into me when it's bedtime. We give each other shit like friends do and joke around but there's a harmonious balance of that and romance. I love it. I'm in love. The real question in all of this is: does he feel the same?
I impulsively spoke with my boss about transferring to another location and that surprisingly ended well. I won't be transferring however I'm going to get better at choosing my battles here at our tempestuous store. I could tell she didn't want me to transfer as she came up with some pretty silly reasons why I shouldn't leave like at the new store there may not be as many resources as there are here or there's a whole new set of challenges. I figure I'm just going to stick with my plan and stay at the store while going to school to finish up my associates degree and try to cram in some theater as well. It's seasonal flyer for local theater company was posted in our break room and I really like the choices that they made in the plays that they'll be performing. Now I must prepare an audition and figure out when those will be. Really think I should do it this year, it will be 10 years since I've been on the stage and that's really sad because I really love acting.
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Dec. 18th, 2016 | 06:33 pm
music: Korn: Here To Stay
I keep meaning to mention what happened a few days ago, it was really cute. It was Friday night and Anna and I were closing together. We also had plans to finish our crafts from our craft night earlier that week so when I got off work I headed over to Marks house to hang out before picking her up at midnight when she got off. I told myself I wasn't going to spend the night at Mark's and as I made my exit promptly five minutes after midnight he told me he was most likely going to sleep. I went to her house and after a bowl and some gossip, I slightly lost motivation to complete this plastic spoon Christmas tree and instead glued the flat marbles to my candle holder that had fallen off. This was a really neat craft (that I choose I might add) and I intend on giving this candleholder to Madonna, they're totally her colors. Anyway, when I left Anna's house I went straight home. My car was filled with Christmas goodies so I brought them inside, put on Home Alone and started wrapping like a mad woman. As the movie had finished, I wrapped the last thing I had left. Mark had crossed my mind and all of a sudden, I got a text message. It was him saying he was going to bed. He told me that he was going to sleep after I left to pick up Anna but I guess this wasn't so. He said he had stayed up later hoping to see me one last time to which I said "Awwww..."... I packed a bag and headed over to cuddle. Needless to say, I've spent the night at his house the last two nights and it's been glorious. I joked around this morning about moving my things in so I didn't have to make the treacherous trip to my apartment for clothes to which he gently said absolutely not. We're still taking things slow however we do like to spend the night with one another, a LOT. He's going grocery shopping with me this evening however before that I need to take care of my own needs like checking my PO Box and doing some laundry. Still have a few gifts to wrap but I pretty much have everything I need for Christmas, except some soup spoons I promised to get Madonna. I have this fantastic idea of putting them in an oversized box so she thinks she's getting something extravagant. We both agree that we wouldn't spend too much on each other this year as we are both poor as fuck lol going to be a good Christmas, I can feel it.
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Dec. 13th, 2016 | 11:53 pm
music: Lady Gaga: Money Honey
OK. So. I guess I was overreacting about not speaking to Mark the other day. Obviously things are fine now, it's just in the moment when I don't hear from him all day and then he shows up to the store to make eye contact with me but still treats me like a stranger, I get a little paranoid. I shut my phone off immediately when I left work as I headed to Anna's because I didn't want to tell him something that I would regret. Thankfully I'm not as impulsive with my outbursts as I used to be. When I turn my phone back on there were text messages and missed calls from Mark, and secretively it made me feel good about myself lol. I felt wanted. He actually came over to Anna's house which I found very odd. It was very peculiar behavior. He told me he had something for me and it turned out to be an ornament of the Star Wars kind that I already had but it was odd that he had to give it to me, he wanted to hang out for a little bit but I told him there was no parking so he left. I kind of felt like he may not of trusted me, maybe he thought I was somewhere else and that's why he came to Anna's house once my phone had been turned on again. When he left, he went to a local pool hall and told me to meet him there once I was finished. It was like being on a first date again. We both felt awkward towards each other, making eye contact but no smiles or winks. Finally he looked at me as we crossed paths cousin it was his turn to shoot and I cracked a smile to show him how I felt. Things have been nice since then. I've spent the last two nights at his house. I'm starting to wonder why I even pay rent at my flat. Oh right, because all of my belongings are there.
Craft night at Anna's house went nicely. Not to sound egotistical, but I think my craft was the best. I bought a bunch of flat marbles and our friend brought her hot glue gun so we could glue these marbles to a candleholder. I made one for my mom but decided to give it to Mark's kid but as I was showing the candleholder to Mark and his mother, the marble started to fall off so I guess I suck at crafts. I burnt the shit out of my thumb and ring finger, now carrying around to blisters with me. It's been so long since I've had blisters, I don't know how to handle them.
Payday is just around the corner and I've managed to purchase all of my Christmas goodies for those that live in the Springs ahead of time. In the past I've been known to use an entire pay check to buy all of my Christmas goodies just before Christmas. I've already sent out three cards so I'm way ahead of schedule. I'm hoping to wrap and send them the rest of the gifts either tomorrow or on Thursday. Unfortunately, I feel like there's still a lot to buy. I'm too generous I know but that's a good thing.
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Dec. 11th, 2016 | 10:43 pm
mood: pissed off
music: Metallica: God That Failed
Ok. So. I'm not overreacting about this. Mark hasn't sent me anything all day. He comes into the store when there are MANY OTHER locations he could have gone to get whatever the fuck he needed and treats me like a stranger. Fuck that. I'm so fucking sick of shedding tears for this guy because he can't just communicate. A fucking smile, something. This is a big deal to me because apparently I need attention. Sorry not sorry but I like receiving attention from my boyfriend. And I know I just spent a few nights at his house but the way he's acting now, it's like that never happened. I thought I was secure with everything, with myself, but I guess I'm not. I keep trying to keep my life in perspective but at the same time I'm wondering why the fuck am I spending so much time thinking about someone who seems like they could give a fuck about me? Fuck. Why does it have to be this way? I mean, he treated me oddly so far today. I won't have time later to hang out as I've planned to go to Anna's for this craft night thing which now I don't really even feel like going to. I hate this. I hate how much he influences my moods. When things are good between us, I'm feeling good. Right now, I feel like there's huge, unannounced distance.
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Dec. 10th, 2016 | 10:23 pm
music: Avenged Sevenfold: Hail to the King
I had an impromptu dinner with Madonna last night at my favorite sushi place. It was nice to see her. She asked about my cat and I think he'll be staying at her house but at the same time, it's not set in stone.
I spent all this time at Marks house, I tend to forget about my life. I find myself coming home after spending a few nights there and not really knowing what to do with myself. It's getting easier each time it happens but I get so wrapped up in "our" world that I forget about mine. The last two nights i've actually made the conscious decision to spend the night at his house but it didn't happen. Each night he would tell me he was headed off to bed and me, being the coward that I am, would just say "OK see you later". Oh well. It's not like we don't spend any time together because we do. We spend a great deal of time together. I don't know what I'm expecting from me. I find it kind of sad that even though he hasn't said he loved me, I still allow him entry into my "portal". I'm not sure if he feels that way or not and you know? I'm not going to think about it too much because that never ends well.
I have to stop eating so much. I have to save money since I've cracked into my savings because I can't budget correctly. I have to keep reminding myself not to compare my life to others. So what if I've never been married or had any children? I'm a blank slate. A thirty year old blank slate. I've been waiting for the right person to come and my patience is growing thin. Mark is in no hurry to do any of that stuff because like the rest of the world, he's experienced that. It didn't end very well either so he's not making plans. Even though he's good at making plans, apparently there's no plan for us. It's a day by day thing. Ugh.
I told Madonna I'd be over at her house tonight to make more Christmas balls and cookies. I'm in such a sour mood, I don't know if I'm gonna last. I switched my shift with Anna next Saturday because I can't say no or even make up a lie to get out of switching shifts even though I really don't want to but whatever. I guess I just want a night to myself. Or Mark. It's not that he treats me badly, I just wish there was more to us. I wish he would surprise me every once in a while or do something spontaneous. I've been in that "I could cry at any minute" mode. I honestly considered calling out today but I'm afraid of getting fired. However, it won't count against me if I showed up. But then that's less money in my pocket. Ugh. I really don't want to work today. My room is a disaster and I just feel like drinking. So maybe it's not a good thing if I leave early. I'm just so tired and frankly, quite sad. This all stemmed from last night. As Mark was leaving, I asked if he wanted a cigarette and he skirted around the topic, creating a distraction out of the other people in the room. When he left, I text him "smoke?" Ten minutes later he says he's already home. So uhm. Wtf was that? Why couldn't he just tell me why he didn't want to smoke with me? A simple "nah" would have sufficed but whatever. After dinner with Madonna, I popped by for an awkward sit around. His child got sick so he stayed up to make sure the child went back to sleep and yeah. It was just, Weird. He seemed intense, like he had something on his mind but there's a 110% chance that if I ask him what's on his mind, he'll say "nothing". So guess what? He gets the same response from me even though I've got about a million thoughts going a minute. Fuck that, if you're not going to share what's going on behind closed doors, then I'll keep my thoughts to myself even though I want to share everything with you. Why can't I just find someone to share my life with that isn't a complete wanker? Someone that actually wants me around. Mark does want me around so I don't know. I'm conflicted in all of this. It dawned on me last night sitting in that awkward funk that he may not be the one. There's so much I want and need from him and he isn't capable of giving it to me. It breaks my heart that he probably wouldn't give a shit about that. "There's the door". I know for a fact that would be his opinion in the subject.
I wish I could sleep right now. Sleep through the whole weekend.