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Prepared For April

Apr. 9th, 2017 | 02:07 am
mood: blahblah
music: Kid Rock: I Am The Bullgod

I've just been chugging along here. Some highlights and lowlights; I had another shitty morning on Friday when i opened by myself. My store manager is on vacation and didn't think to schedule someone else. Friday mornings are particularly special in that we see about four or five vendors and the armored truck comes to pick up our deposits and there's limited staff. I feel at this store they give us way too many tasks and very little time. Anna recently told me that my old boss asked how I was doing at this store and if I still want to come back. I'm not entirely sure if I want to but I told her (my old boss) that my store manager said she had to get rid of a manager in April but I don't know if that's still happening and she wasn't there when I came in to work and ask about it. Long story short: I think I'm staying at this store.

April is a busy month. Lots of birthdays! Mark's family have invited me to go camping with them. I've never been camping so this shall certainly be an experience. It's the kiddo's first time as well. I don't think we'll be sleeping in bags on the ground but I can't be sure. Easter is also this month. Madonna has always liked Easter and this year I actually have it off. I think last year or the year before I ruined it for her by covering a graveyard shift the night before. Anyway, maybe we can spend some time together, I don't know. She bailed on out plans this evening after making them a week ago. She and I were suppose to see a movie tonight and maybe have dinner but when I called her, she said she has forgotten and went to a gay bar with her friends to see someone she knows do some drag. Of course she had her Beau in tow whom I think she is romantically linked to and is actually younger than me. So whatever. I tried. Maybe we can get together I don't know. She has changed. It makes me sad to hear that she doesn't want to live with our old landlord. He's so sweet and it hurts my heart to think of him being alone so much. Also Gordon. I basically live at Mark's and once my lease is up, I think I'm going to talk with him about it and how I can help with finances while helping myself with finances. I don't know. There's a lot I don't know and I suppose that's okay. I'll have to go with the flow.

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Every Four Months

Mar. 30th, 2017 | 01:13 pm
mood: anxiousanxious
music: Pearl Jam: Alive

Emotionally, I'm conflicted. I feel like Mark doesn't want to talk about serious topics with me, like getting "super serious". It seems like every four months, I get impatient because in my head, I tell this man that I love him everyday but he hasn't said it to me. I'm left wondering if he feels it, if he feels anything. In about a week's time, it'll be nine months together. I sleep at his house practically every night, his family likes me, I clean up after myself and others, he trusts me with his money and his child, even a key to his house but he won't tell me how he feels. I guess I'm like that. Like Marilyn Monroe, I need attention. I need his attention. But so does his child so I can't seem needy like that. I want sex from him all the time and on the rare occasion when it does happen, I silently cry myself to sleep next to him because I've basically given him everything I have and he's... I don't know. Not said he loves me and that slightly kills me inside. I'm putting too much pressure on our one year anniversary because that's certainly a milestone. I'm hoping something big will happen: the L word, a proposal, him asking me to live with him for reals. I mean, when my lease it up in October, I'm secretly planning to possibly move into his house. Maybe I should start condensing my stuff now. Even if things don't go the way I hope, it'll still be nice to have less stuff. I'm really trying not to buy crap anymore. It's easy lately as mostly of my money goes to bills, puff, and food so there's no room for unnecessary purchases. Occasionally I'll splurge but for the most part, I don't. I splurge on food which is another issue. Anyway, I'm getting off track. I love this man with every fiber in my being and would do anything for him, but does he feel a fraction of what I do? His behavior would suggest yes. Our communication when we're not together would suggest no. The fact that his ex still harasses me suggests a strange answer but that shouldn't factor in at all. I love him and he knows it (because I've told him), that's why this is so complicated. I hate being away from him and I can't control myself when it comes time to trying to be independent and scurry back to my apartment. Ugh, my apartment. They (he and his mother) were busting my chops about how i must regret not moving in. Less stress, less worry, less bills. I was more concerned with what if things don't work out between he and I because we'd be spending all of our time together? That's basically what's happening now so what's the point? I should have just moved in that Sunday morning when I had the chance but for some reason, Madonna talked me out of it by promising to change only to resort back to her old ways four days later. I should have given it a week and then moved into his house. I feel happy when I'm there, especially when we are in the same room. I still suck in my gut when I see him, the butterflies still flutter in my stomach whenever I feel his presence.

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Strange Moods

Mar. 26th, 2017 | 04:13 am
mood: pissed offpissed off
music: NIN: March of the Fuckheads

Having my things in one place and spending time in another is starting to take its toll on me. I don't know exactly how Mark feels about me moving in but he has never mentioned it nor has he said the L word so I doubt I'll be doing that anytime soon. Also I kinda wanted to be married when I move in with the next significant other. His ex left an unsavory comment on my Instagram yesterday and it has spiraled me into a world of emotions, I hate every single one. She's a psycho bitch and sadly, with her lies yesterday, she won. Mark's only defense was to roll his eyes and say ignore it but I mean really... I can't. Why is this bitch STILL stalking my Instagram? Why is she still trying to convey a message to me? Talking with Anna about these things does no good. That was her idea, that his ex is trying to not let him get away with a lie but she is in fact a complete psycho. Anyway! All Anna does in situations like this is plant ideas into my head which sucks because she's supposed to be my friend but coincidentally every argument I've had with my boyfriend has been because I talked/vented to her about my feelings or "suspicions". She's kind of a pessimistic person who is involved in a pretty toxic relationship so maybe I shouldn't take her advice all the time, let alone vent. Anyway, so that's what's been happening. It was a long day of working at my store then helping out at my old store. Obviously now I have this insatiable need to feel wanted and Mark isn't the best at that so I'm left with awkward emotions to overcome by myself. After this long and shitty day, I came to Mark's to be cheered up but was only led to bed where no sex occurred, just silent crying and sleep. Two hours later I wake up alone (he was in the living room with his parents) and it pissed me off that he rushed me to bed only to leave while I was sleeping? Idk but now I'm blogging to let everything out. Why did he rush me to bed only to wake up three hours later and kick it on the couch with his folks? Did Kiddo wake him? Was he not feeling well? I'll never fucking know.

I've been in a weird mood all day and kind of wish I didn't have such an obsession with Instagram. It's ruined my days many times and today was tough. It was tough to stay focused. I left early from both stores because I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about what that cunt said. Of course I respond with silence but different speeches have flown in and out of my head, things I want to say but will keep myself reserved. By now she has blocked me from Instagram to gain control so she can probably unblock me tomorrow and continue to stalk. That's fine, whatever. I've thought about posting one of my professional pictures that we had done just to show that cunt that he and I are serious, no matter how many lies you throw at me.... but I wonder. That may be petty and vindictive but that's what she is: petty and vindictive. I've asked myself what could possibly turn this situation around and you know? it's me. I have to turn around. Mark isn't going to clear his name because what she said is absolute bullshit so there's nothing to clear. He didn't have time to cheat on me four months ago because we spent all of our free time together. Literally. All of it. So she's a bitch and I hope she gets what's coming to her. Ironically her name Instagram name was karma_bites16 and I'm not even sure she knows what karma is. She's got so much bad karma out in the world. I can't wait for it to come back to bite her in her fat ass and it's a great shame that I'll never truly witness it. I just have to hope that it's happened.

On a separate note, I'm so fucking glad to be out of that store. I was excited when their assistant manager asked me for help through a text message yesterday morning. I told him to keep it a secret from Anna and she was really happy to see me. Then the trauma struck. All those old feelings were dusted off and thrown directly into my face. From their huge delivery of inventory to the pace of the business to the lack of people to the actual people working there, it's refreshing to know that that place still fucking sucks. My store is so much better compared to theirs; it seems like everyone has their own plot to get the fuck out. It's sad. The issue is that it's the perfect storm of shitty employees, too many tasks/not enough time, and sketchy clientele. This woman tried to purchase an opened box of our brand of Tylenol but slipped in an actual bottle of Tylenol probably pocketing our brand so it's like, okay bitch. She didn't think that I would look in and I probably wouldn't have if she would have kept her stupid mouth shut. Of course she didn't want to buy it after I showed her what I discovered, she was getting out of there with a free bottle of our stuff and whatever measly thing she was buying. It's like, wow. All so you could save a couple bucks. I should have stopped the transaction and retrieved the empty package of Tylenol that I found in the aisle immediately afterward and asked her about it. I'm sure she knew all about that. I was there for only four hours and had a customer yelling at me, saying how ridiculous it is that I can't cash her check which is clearly from the company that I work for. Well sorry lady, after calling two stores to make sure the information I know to be correct is the actual policy, there's literally nothing I can do. "I've been coming here for years, this is ridiculous, I'm never coming back...." I've heard that same shit before, over and over and over again, see you next month. Four hours I was there and that shit is still happening on a daily basis. Anyway, the smells. All the smells from that store remind me of a place that mentally I didn't want to be. It brought me back to those days where I was trying to get over Mark when he left me, all that desperation. I'm sure his cuntfaced ex had something to do with the gloomy nostalgia that I experienced, but yeah. It was tough. In the end, I'm really, REALLY glad that I didn't go back to that store. I'm fine where I am for now. My plan is to go back to school but that's turning into a mountain of stress. I'm definitely NOT making a mountain out of an anthill with this one, collegiate studies are no joke and certainly aren't for the weak-minded.

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Recklessly Change

Mar. 20th, 2017 | 04:03 am
mood: relievedrelieved
music: Emigrate: Let Me Break

What a change of pace. Now things at my job aren't so terrible. They rearranged departments and tasks since we're losing a lot of people next month. Now I have my OTC department back and I'm in charge of signage in the store as well as the employee recognition board; basically everything I was doing at my old store only without the crappy staff lol

The other night I had to "rescue" Madonna from spending the night at this guy's house. It's all... hmm... I don't know what to think. She was drunk, obviously. He was drunk. Her friend who took her to this bar had fallen asleep, I was her only option. It was like peeking into life, which I told her she was living too recklessly. She's been waiting to hear back from a restaurant about a job but has given up hope. It's tough seeing your parent struggle for money. Earlier this month, I had what seemed to be my first adult conversation with Leo about his marriage, which sadly is dissolving before his eyes. I hate how things are constantly changing. I miss the good old days.

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On The Bottom Again

Mar. 16th, 2017 | 07:03 pm
mood: nervousnervous
music: Britney Spears: Don't Hang Up

I forgot about how miserable it is at my job. I feel like I'm on the bottom of the totem pole. Looking back, I completely betrayed my former boss by king behind her back and transferring. And frankly, I've betrayed my current boss by doing the same thing. The other managers don't really acknowledge me. Maybe I'm being sensitive, I don't know. It just sucks being there altogether. I learned a valuable lesson in all of this: don't betray the team. My former boss talked me out of transferring by after telling her about incident after incident with certain employees and nothing was done about it, that was it. The final straw. I came to my new store and it was a nightmare. I don't adjust well. Now with April coming, I'm terrified for my job. My current boss is asking other stores if they have hours for team members and management. I've noticed that I'm working less hours than any of the other managers. It's tough being here. Now I feel like I can't tell Mark any of these feelings because I'm sure he's sick of hearing about it.

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Peasant Life

Mar. 15th, 2017 | 08:53 pm
mood: crankycranky
music: CKY: Deepest Depths

She never says thank you. She always wants to control anything and everything even though she doesn't know what the fuck she's does. She pouts when things don't go her way or if she's not the best at something right away. Sometimes I think she fabricated stories to obtain attention, good or bad. As an adult, it's hard enough having my own ups and downs without having to deal with her ups and downs. She's so oblivious to my sour attitude, she doesn't care. She'll just keep on doing what she's doing because she wants to and no one can say anything about it. No one meaning me cause she doesn't listen. She'll just finagle her way around what I want and turn it into what she wants; fuck that game. There's a small level of jealousy involved but I'm not going to feed into that. And I'm not going to do nice things out of the blue for her anymore because frankly, she's spoiled. I'm done because what I do is unappreciated. Her false gratitude in that high squeaky voice to seem "cute" because she had to be reminded to show a little common courtesy is not my cuppa. Maybe I'm being harsh. Maybe I'm too self aware. I don't know but I'm fucked. Glad I could get this off my chest.

I spent my whole "vacation" doing absolutely nothing. I wasted it. I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow. It's the usual close then open shift and I absolutely hate it. Things at my old store aren't any better so I've given up the dream of going back. School terrifies me because I know I'm a bit daft. I never really liked school and the thought of going back at almost thirty is a real bummer. I've wasted so much time in my life not doing anything or trying to maintain a "peasant life" living pay check to pay check. I'm sick of living like that.

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A Savior for Madonna

Mar. 11th, 2017 | 07:23 pm
mood: busybusy
music: Spice Girls: Never Give Up On The Good Times

Yesterday was certainly a day. I fell asleep around 5:30 after binge watching the People v. OJ on Netflix and was woken up several times, decidedly giving up to get ready for work a couple hours early. I was concerned about Madonna because her car was acting up the previous night while she was on a date our of town. She got a little drunk and communication ceased around 10. So I called her around one and she's a mess. She's having an anxiety attack, she can't drive and the ruckus from yesterday was still relevant so I asked if she wanted me to go get her and she said no and respectfully hung up. I didn't have a good feeling so i called a few minutes later and told her everything was going to be alright. An hour before I'm supposed to be at work, she confesses that she needs me to get her and that she's having her car towed. So I stress a bit, get angry at the fact that she didn't say yes earlier when I had time, try to think of a way to assertively and politely point out that she should have taken me up on my offer, but said fuck up, bought a pack of smokes and a redbull and hit the highway. She was only about twenty five minutes outside of town but I drove a little faster anyway to be on the safe side. When I arrived, she was indeed a mess. It was really emotional seeing her like that. She was very thin, slightly gaunt from lack of nutrition. Her face was flushed from all the throwing up of simply water. Her anxiety attack was forcing everything out, she couldn't keep it in. I comforted her and asked when the tow truck would be there. She told me that she didn't bring her wallet and I was shocked. Normally this woman has a back up for her back up and she didn't bring any money or a triple A card on her mini road trip? Slightly annoyed at this twisted situation, I jumped into action without a word, called the service, gave them my info, and was told it would be an hour. I cringed. Now I have to tell my boss that I'm going to be late after calling outside the previous day, the eve-eve of my vacation. I asked Madonna if she needed anything because I had money (which sadly is rare). "Water. Propel." She sputtered and puked next to the car, what a sight. The conversation with my boss wasn't brutal, he was just relieved that I was coming in because the other shift leads weren't having it. So I get the drinks and we wait. We wait the full hour. Usually they predict a longer wait time but of course, this time was accurate. Her car was towed to a local mechanic friend and I took her home. After making sure she was comfortable with a practiced ease under pressure, I raced to my job to work my one day before the vacay.

It was an alright night. I actually got to close the store with a gal that I haven't worked with before, we've just seen each other in passing. She sticks out to me because during my first week, I printed out her sonogram pictures on accident and witnessed her and her husband's joy. It was inspiring. Still don't want kids though. I think I'm good. She's a very nice lady with a good work ethic. I hope to work with her more in the future. Anyway, it was a slow night, but all nights are slow. Sometime around 7, I always find myself checking the clock what seems like every ten minutes. We finished relatively early (but not too early) so I raced to Mark's for a quick smoke before jetting off to Madonna's to check up on her. She didn't answer the phone when I called after work so that's why I hurried. I had every intention of going over here to help her clean up but Mark brought to my attention that this is enabling her to repeat the behavior because I'll just step in to help. Well for one, she's family but he has a point. I had requested Saturday night off so perhaps I'll head over there this evening and clean while hanging out with her. When I checked on her, she was asleep. I tried to have a conversation with her but she was pretty exhausted. I told her I would call in the morning but I don't know if she remembers that lol

I'm trying to force myself to sleep at my stupid apartment this Sunday. I don't think I spent one night there in February. It's quite costly to use solely for storage purposes. I may joke that it's the fanciest storage unit you'll ever see complete with bed, refrigerator, and cat, but deep down, it hurts a little not being there at all. I check in everyday to feed the cat and get clothes but for the most part, it's a storage unit. Poor Walt, he and his girlfriend have to live with my half-done/half-ass experiments, like trying to build an entertainment center. I don't even have a couch dammit! Why waste money on a couch that no one will sit on? Why did I waste my money building an entertainment in a place that I'm never really at? Supposedly Mark said he'd be spending a lot of time there once Kiddo leaves for the summer, but I kinda doubt that considering there's no wifi. We're taking pictures tomorrow. I got a friend of a friend to do the pictures for cheap and we're taking them at the Capitol. I'm kind of excited, I haven't done something like this. There's a few disappointments but oh well. He's paying for them and that's nice.

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Mar. 6th, 2017 | 01:13 pm
mood: cynicalcynical
music: Faith No More: RV

My range of emotions throughout the day disturbs me.

I'm so in love with Mark. I spend basically all of my free time with him, I think about how amazing he is and how lucky I am to have found him. Sure he fucked it up in the beginning but he's shown me plenty that he's sorry and doesn't have plans to do that again. I basically live at his house yet still continue to pay rent at my apartment. I don't mind considering I'm utterly in love with this man. He's responsible and likes to plan. I've been over this again and again, he's the one. I've decided. He is the one and I'm not sure if I want to have children; maybe. Recent events have concluded that children are terribly loud and selfish and currently I'm not emotionally prepared to handle them.

I'm frustrated with my job. I walk in every day with a smile on my face but behind the scenes, I'm a caged lion ready to pounce. I truly thought that moving stores was a good idea but clearly it's proven to have been a horrible choice. What I've found most difficult to deal with isn't the lack of staff but the actual people that work there. Extremely inexperienced and unfocused, it's hard multitasking, I know, but fucking hell we have things to get done. I end up working the hardest every night which I suppose is how it's supposed to be. I found myself yelling profanities in the office which I'm sure were overheard by someone but you know what? I never took my anger out on anyone. As frustrated as I was, I never snapped at my team, I just tried to guide them in a different direction. Lately I've been feeling like maybe leadership isn't for me. I feel like I do a really great job on my own but when it comes to holding others accountable for their job, I fail a bit.

Im scared to go to back to school because it requires a major effort and some self discipline that I haven't used in basically ten years. Through all of this anxiety, I have to remember that getting an education will improve my chances of earning more money. I should at least finish my associate's degree. It'll feel so good to know that I'm one of the few in my family to have received a college degree. It's time consuming! And I really hate math! Not to sound pathetic, but I'm so emotionally not ready to give up smoking puff so I can understand math that I probably won't use. I do have a super smart boyfriend who could help me with the problems. Science could be fun but quitting this habit of ten years is a mighty, mighty challenge.

Anyway, that's what's on my plate. A bunch of crazy emotions.

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Mar. 3rd, 2017 | 01:23 pm
mood: hornyhorny
music: Breaking Benjamin: Topless

Sex. Sex with Mark. Sex in general. It's all I can think about lately. It's brought me to the conclusion that I am, in fact, a sexual person. Mark has told me he kind of isn't but when the subject of being dirty has come up, he's told me that I "have no idea". It's intriguing. Mark and I had sex last night after a long time of not lol. Honestly, I don't think it lasts long enough (which is a complement in itself really) but I'm completely satisfied with Mark being satisfied and my cravings are momentarily satiated. When we have sex, I'll spend the next three days thinking about every moment. I need more of it. I need more sex with Mark. It's really passionate. I feel myself pulling him in tighter when he's on top of me. I love when he puts his forehead against mine. It's like we're one being. He's amazing with foreplay and I only hope I'm half as good.

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Wasted Too Much Time

Mar. 2nd, 2017 | 01:47 am
mood: frustratedfrustrated
music: Justin Timberlake: You Got It On

Its a great shame to say that at almost thirty years old, I'm still asking myself what should I do, career-wise. I blame laziness and drug use. In high school, my father never really pushed me to go to college. He mentioned the importance of it but never stepped into action. I really needed help back then, guidance that my guidance counselor couldn't/didn't provide. Ultimately I blame myself. Yesterday Anna informed me that my old boss probably won't hire me back since she has mentioned that she's going to try to coerce someone from her old store to work there. So now I feel like my hope of getting out of my crummy store is gone. Maybe I should stop focusing on my job in the present and work on something that's going to improve my future. And that starts with school. Ugh school.

In the end of my collegiate years, school and I didn't get along. I was more focused on trying to start a life with some loser douche bag instead of educating myself FOR FREE and getting a degree. I've paved a tough path for myself trying to work full time and go to school. I barely have an associate's which is a two year degree. I kept getting sidetracked with theater and this loser douche bag from the Internet. Why didn't I focus? Conclusively, I've ended up not liking myself very much even though I'm a smart person. Maybe if I give up the puff I could actually focus and accomplish something. It shouldn't be so important to. It's sad how important it is to me.

So here we are. Back to square one. I hate my job again.

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