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Worked Out

Dec. 22nd, 2017 | 03:43 pm
mood: tiredtired
music: Elton John- Philadelphia Freedom

Work has absolutely drained me. So I had to miss a training class for the actual position which apparently only runs on Sundays and Mondays, once a month. Unfortunately this left me fucked for this weekend (Christmas) and next weekend (New Year’s). They’ve given me a temporary job doing the most grueling thing imaginable for a grocery store: pulling carts back into the store. They’re heavy as fuck and with the holidays, everybody is in a hurry. I almost got ran over today, I feared for my life. My first day was really rough. I broke down in tears a few times, feeling punished for missing an important class and wrongly given this awful task. It kicks my ass everyday. I hate it. The first day forced me into a bad mood which in turn put Mark in a bad mood which made me even sadder but I had to put on a brave face. It hasn’t helped my case becauseI still feel like he’s mad at me. He’s differently changed and it’s probably because he keeps finding me in tears. I’m just hormonal, I’m pissed that I applied for a certain position but was given a different (completely) job AND I’m four months pregnant. I can’t believe this. I’m four months pregnant and I’m a fucking cart pusher. My only relief for pushing the carts is cleaning up the bathrooms. Yesterday I had to clean up vomit. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Anyway, work is kicking my ass everyday but at least I don’t have to walk or do exercise at home. It’s basically a 5-7 hour workout everyday. Today two guys on my team called out so it was just me. Managers had to help me stay caught up, it was hilarious. It was a treat to see them feel my pain. It’s a bullshit job that they give to high schoolers. How dare they give it to me. It’s been about twelve years for me. Did I mention I’m pregnant? When I told my manager (I called it) she did not congratulate me, her facial expression did not change, she only told me to pull less carts. Wow. Thanks for the advice. She told me she’d get back to me about when the next class is but that was days ago. There’s no end in sight.

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Giving In

Dec. 17th, 2017 | 10:33 pm
mood: lovedloved
music: System of a Down- Ego Brain

Wow, it’s been a whole week. I feel like the latter half of the week is my busiest. I had orientation with this new company and it seems like a really great place to work. As usual in new jobs, I just want to know everything already and sign up for everything like the safety committee and such. I’m pretty sure I won’t remember 70% of what I learned over the course of my two orientation days but that’s okay. I have it in writing. It’s half way across town which has its pros and cons. I like working in a new part of town, my favorite actually: the South Side. I live and primarily worked on the East side which is relatively dangerous. I’m surprised I was never robbed at either stores that I went to. Anyway, it also kinda sucks that it’s across town. I have to plan my time wisely, especially since I have to find parking and use the employee entrance And go downstairs to put my stuff in my locker, AND then go to the middle of the store just to clock in. That’s at least ten minutes I have to tack on walking in and getting situated. I actually have a door badge that is necessary and mandatory to get into the building. Anyway, I still haven’t heard back about my check and test so I’m hesitant to fully commit myself and be excited, falsely getting my hopes up. Ooo I hate that.

Today was busy. On less than four hours of sleep, I had a lot of places to be. Mark and I had to do the weekly grocery shop in the morning which was unusual because normally we go at night but there just isn’t any time lately. After that, I had to rush over to my friend Jewel’s house and put decals on these cat bowls for Christmas that I bought Madonna. I truly think she’s going to love them. Kiddo’s recital was today and Mark and I signed up as parent helpers because they seemed desperate. This was a super exhausting task that I’m not sure I’ll be taking part of next year. I feel like this situation was conditional, so hopefully we receive some kind of reparation for time and energy donated. We have paid full price for absolutely everything: the classes, the DVD of the shows, fundraisers, sweaters, uniforms, etc. The least they could do is give us a friggin donut or something but that’s highly unlikely because classes won’t start until next year. Anyway, Mark had been up for more than twenty-four hours, kinda the norm when he works graveyard but he’s also quit smoking. He has such great timing.

I’m still emotional AF and I hate it but at least I’m speaking my mind more with Mark. I did one of my old moves where while he was preoccupied with something, I took off. I did this with Lee frequently, secretly hoping he’d chase me and talk about what’s going on. Lee consistently failed at that in our relationship, I guess he knew I was stupid enough to eventually come back. Anyway, Mark was putting Kiddo to bed so I took off. I was expecting an hour or so to go by before he noticed that I was gone but he sent me a text right away, asking where I was. I told him Walmart, which was the truth and I didn’t know why I was there. I guess I just wanted to shop? Anyway, I asked if he needed anything and if I could pick him up because by that time, I realized how dumb I was being. He replied “No, I decided to go out.” This pissed me off so I went back to the Walmart parking lot to cry. While en route to the lot, he asked where I was and I told him. I started to get the feeling that he thought I was cheating on him. So I get back to the parking lot and put my head against the steering wheel. Again, he asks me where I am, I tell him which door and everything and cry a little more. Suddenly, he appears behind me and knocks on the window. He gets in the car and asks me what’s going on. I tell him a bunch of things and we talk. This usually includes me apologizing for being so pouty and moany and crying all the time, but he understood. “I’m here to listen.” It dawned on me that I’ve never had this kind of boyfriend/fiancé. He actually chased after me, which pathetically is what I wanted but that’s just it. I got what I wanted and it didn’t feel the greatest but at the same time it did because he showed me again how much he cares. I’m in love with him. Regardless of his faults and my crazy emotions, I love him so much and am scared about it because now I have something to lose. He’s a good listener and I’ve never been able to talk to someone like that before. I’m so happy with him and can’t complain about our surroundings. I’m with him and that’s all that matters.

Ugh Christmas is coming. I hate that I feel that way but yeah. I’m broke as a joke. Every year I do this. I’ve decided to scrap the Business Admin idea and am trying to focus my efforts on Medical Assisting or possibly an LPN. I haven’t decided but something in the medical field.  This sudden change was brought on when Mark and I drove by a hiring event sign for nurses near the local hospital. He remembered me telling him that I wanted to do that kind of stuff but my Dad talked me out of it. I’ve signed up for an important class that would count for any degree I decide on and I’m contemplating taking the small business course they’re offering online so I can partner up with Jewel and do something with my management skills. She wants to be the worker bee and I’d like to be in charge. Who knows what the future holds.

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Too Many Feels

Dec. 10th, 2017 | 03:33 pm
mood: sadsad
music: Linkin Park- High Voltage

It’s just more moments of misery between sporadic bouts of being “okay”. I still feel like I hate everything and I especially hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it. I already feel like I talk too much. Too much about things that I A. Can’t control and B. Shouldn’t bother me because I’m not a permanent member of this household. It’s just a little ridiculous that I can’t park my car in the driveway. And it’s just a little ridiculous that Mark’s brother’s friends hang out here when he’s not around which means they’re noisy as fuck in the garage (which is next to my room) and mooch the food in the kitchen, which isn’t theirs and they don’t contribute to this house at all sooo why should we feed them? I don’t know why it bothers me so much but I hate that they walk into the house (because the door is always unlocked) at any time of night to smoke his weed or do whatever in the garage and then head home. I fucking hate it. I guess I feel so strongly because when I was growing up, my Dad insisted that my friends are not allowed over if I’m not home. Nor could they eat our food. It’s a fucking party in our garage every night with different people at every occasion. All it takes is someone to scope out the place and then rob us blind while we sleep. It’s as easy as that.

I want to leave and get some things done but I’m afraid when I leave, Mark will make it awkward when I come back because I decided to leave all of a sudden. It’s not like he doesn’t know where I’m going. I have no puff and this is why I’m feeling so emotional right now. Madonna is right though, if I just push through the first three days, it’ll be over. It won’t be so bad and I can avoid everything that’s attached like always being broke or going on this emotional roller coaster whenever I’m out of it. Nothing in this world makes me happy anymore. Everything kind of pisses me off and no one wants to be around that, which is why I still have suicidal thoughts. Even after leaving the P&W. I wish Mark would show me more attention but how? And why? He and I are together plenty. So much in fact that we don’t really have anything to say to each other because we’re up to date on everything. I still don’t want to exist. I feel strongly about this too and currently, no one knows. It wouldn’t even matter IF people knew because there’s fuckall they can do about it.

I wish I had a time machine.

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Pity Party

Dec. 3rd, 2017 | 11:13 pm
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: Pink Floyd- Eyes to Pearls

This time last year, I had my own apartment and a good paying job. This year, I live in someone else’s house and have to hear them critique my choice of ornament color. Oh and I’m clinging onto a cashier job opportunity that I may or may not get considering I pass an oral swab drug test. I smoke weed, which is legal in my state. Not meth or heroin or even cocaine. Weed. I nailed the interview but now I’m stressed about passing this drug test. Even though my drug of choice is harmless, I have to get put through the ringer like I shoot up in a dirty alley. For a job that’s barely above minimum wage. Fuck my life. I can’t even escape because I’m pregnant so I’m stuck here. I’ve never been this stuck. I don’t like it.

I have no family around and even if I did, it would probably be only one person. I don’t like being put on the spot, having to argue with Mama Bear about how much dinner I’ve been given. This evening I claimed it was a little too much then she gives me “really?” Look and tells me it really isn’t. Even her husband chimed in, saying it was too much for me. Then I get to feel bad about not having a clean plate and finishing dinner last. I guess I smoke every time I have these feelings and right now, I can’t smoke because I may or may not get this job. I was told they put you to work right away, terminating employment if something goes wrong. Anyway, with my living situation (and virtually my life), I can’t say anything about anything because reasons.

I’m in a mood and I just want to sleep but I can’t because someone will say something.

On the outside, everything is fine. I have a roof over my head, people who love me (I think), food in my stomach, etc. In a nutshell, I hate my life.

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Fucked Up Cakes

Dec. 1st, 2017 | 10:53 pm
mood: depresseddepressed
music: En Vogue- Right Direction

This December is so grim. I lost my apartment to decorate for the holiday (last year was frickin amazing, even though I spent virtually no time in my apartment. I left my (not perfectly good) job and have found no alternative. Lots of “I’ll call you on this day” but never any calls. I got the email from P&W saying they were gonna pass on my application which leads me to believe that the manager I interviewed with just wanted to find out what happened, why I left rather than actually hire me. Honestly, I haven’t given this job hun a valiant effort because I mean, I’m pregnant. I don’t handle stress well and currently the thought of starting over somewhere, having to learn how to do everything all over again, makes me angry.

So after being denied a job from my old job AND being denied unemployment because I left with a good cause, I’m getting desperate in terms of finding a job. I’ve even considered starting this cupcake business but damn it all, there’s A LOT of effort that goes into starting your own business. I let Jemma in on the idea (again) and so we decided to experiment with a basic vanilla recipe I found that very evening. Big mistake. Not only did I end up doing almost everything involved, the cupcakes were dry af and the buttercream frosting was flat, more like an icing. I was pissed but obviously it’s not going to be the greatest every time, especially for the first time. I had a feeling it’s because we didn’t have a sifter to sift the flour and sugar together (I’ve got one now, thanks to my love) but it also could have been me not supervising one of the few task’s I gave her, which was to measure out the flour. I still haven’t investigated why my buttercream sucked (it wasn’t fluffy, it melted on the cooled cupcake like butter, an unfortunate coincidence). It could have also been that I didn’t bring everything to room temperature like the recipe requested. Maybe my buttercream sucked because we microwaved it with the sugar after realizing the center of the stick was still hard. Ugh. So many things went wrong but I learned many lessons. About the food and my “business” partner. Literally though, she sat there about 90% of the time on her phone, making half-assed conversation with me, mainly about herself. It was slightly miserable, like, I just wanted her to go away and do this by myself. She has contributed fuck-all except for the genius idea of having only four flavors to start, a good concept but you have to have to something that brings in business, those are just ordinary cupcakes. I think I’ll continue this plan by myself, keep it a secret for as long as I can. My next step is capital. How the fuck am I going to afford all of this stuff? If I start a website, who will visit and use it to place an order? Also my main delivery method is basically me in my car. Jemma has a lot of networking because she knows a lot of people. But you know, Mark does too. If anything, he works in a heavily populated area so I could just send him in with a box and a sign with some business cards. Once I have the recipes down, which is going to take me a while, then I can worry about marketing. There’s a class coming up online that one of Madonna’s bosses took that virtually led her to opening a super popular restaurant about a town over. This takes planning and constantly believing in myself. It takes dedication and most importantly money.

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Desperation

Nov. 22nd, 2017 | 05:03 pm
mood: cynicalcynical
music: NIN- Self Destruction, Pt. Three

“Ups and downs. Ups and downs. It’s just ups and downs.” -Daisy Steiner

I hate how emotional I’ve become. It’s like, worse than before. A lot has happened in a matter of days. Out of sheer desperation, I applied and interviewed at the P&W but a different location. Of course towards the end of my interview, the manager tells me he’s got two other people to see, one of which works there already. The last time I interviewed for a position with this company back when I was trying to transfer to my dream store, they also had someone applying to be promoted within and yeah. They went with that person instead of me. He said he would call the other managers that I’d worked for to get a reference. Hopefully they’ll have good things to say about me but who the fuck knows what’ll happen. I was denied unemployment because I quit without good cause so that sucks. Hmm... the guy from the unemployment office over the phone said people often said the same reason (stress) for leaving but I guess they all got denied too? Idfk. Now I’m desperate as ever and I feel like a ticking time bomb being pregnant and all. I have a terrible feeling that I won’t be chosen and that’s fine I guess. I’ll just have to keep looking but truth to be told, if I don’t get my job back, I don’t even want to work until I can get back on board. I told Mark that I feel like I failed him but he told me that wasn’t the case, he doesn’t feel that way but I still do inside. If I had kept my nice job instead of complaining about it all the time and quitting then maybe we could have gotten our own place to get away from the toxic people that reside here.

Baby update: I met my doctor today and he seems like a really remarkable guy. He did a great job of making me feel comfortable. After all, he was all up in my girly bits. He said so far across the board everything is normal and looking great. We heard the baby’s heartbeat today so that was pretty fascinating. I’m still scared about all of this but Mark is doing his very best to help me remain calm. I can’t believe it. All these years when people would ask me why I haven’t had kids, my answer was always “I haven’t found the right mate”. Well Mark is it, I do declare. Sometimes I feel like I can’t live without him. Even when he’s in a different room, I feel this longing to be by his side. It’s obsessive and weird and also kept very low key around him.

Yesterday Jemma told me that the ring Mark has given me was “ugly”. Oh and then also lied about having a miscarriage this weekend. I know that’s a horrible thing to say but they way she told me was odd, like one of my lies from my youth. Whenever she’d mention it during our brief conversation, she’d grunt or appear fatigued but was fine when other subjects were brought up. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. To me, she is one of those people. This all came up when I told Mark that I’d rather learn the gender of our baby from an envelope rather than a gender party. He questioned why I had changed my mind and told me he didn’t want me to make any decisions like that today because I seem mopey (which I told him why, I’m getting better at that). Hearing what she said about his precious gift to me really upset him. He told me he was sick of her saying one thing then going behind peoples back and saying another. He confessed that his family was allowing her to live there out of sheer kindness but truthfully felt different on the subject. He told me he was going to confront her about this and I told him it was a bad idea but he didn’t listen. I don’t know when he’ll talk to her but I don’t want to be around for that. She’ll probably throw me under the bus, saying that I agreed with her, that it was ugly and it wasn’t romantic in the slightest but that’s not the case. First of all, he would agree that it wasn’t romantic lol secondly, What I said was it’s not my favorite but when I asked him that morning when he was showing me these three rings what the significance of them was, he said he had chosen them specifically because he liked them and that was good enough for me. The first time she saw the ring, she said it looks better in person but I guess that wasn’t the case because yesterday she said quite the opposite. There’s a small part of me that’s glad I said something about this to him because maybe now I won’t have to ever see them hug since he knows how she truly is. Also there’s a large part of me that screams “stop being so jealous!”. Honestly, when I implored him not to say something, I told him to just label her as toxic and strive to create distance just as I’m doing but he’s a lot more direct than I am.

I confessed to Mark that I wish I hadn’t quit my job because then we could have moved out. He had no words on the subject but ultimately, this is why I feel like I failed him. Like I failed us. I have to get something going. I need a career. Maybe I’ll end up in vocational school like on those commercials and become a paralegal or medical office assistant. The choice is mine.

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Road Trip Pt. Four

Nov. 18th, 2017 | 03:23 pm
mood: tiredtired
music: Aaliyah- If Your Girl Only Knew

So after a shitty night of sleep followed by driving for fifteen hours without a stop for rest, I’m not sure why the fuck Momma Bear decided to wake us up after five hours of sleep. I suppose so Mark can help with the destruction of their kitchen since Momma Bear told all the freeloaders I’m the house about the work that needs to be done and they decided to bail. Big surprise. Even while we slept, there were nails being driven into the wall by hammer... right next to our room... so again... why the fuck did we have to get up? There’s no dinner. There’s no company to greet. So what the fuck? Our lives are often controlled by her and I reeeally don’t enjoy it. Mark has enough control over my life, I don’t need his fucking Mother’s input too, thank you. We have to get the fuck out of this house but I’m sure he doesn’t see it like that. I could give a shit about free childcare, there are other solutions. This is just completely annoying and unnecessary. Perhaps I’m just hungry and tired and that’s where all of this angry is coming from. Or maybe it’s coming from a rational place, I mean FIFTEEN FUCKING HOURS OF DRIVING after being up all day. What the fuck is wrong with her? Oh that’s right, she’s selfish. Got it. Can’t believe I forgot. Do they really believe I’m going to sit in the living room with Kiddo after being with Kiddo for the entire fucking week? No. FUCK I hate living here.

Everything was so great on “vacation”. Now we’ve come back and I just feel like the same angry, bitter person I was before we left. I liked it when it was just he and I. And Kiddo. Now we have his family around and Jemma. And Nick. Coming home to a deconstructed kitchen because people who said they were gonna help didn’t, yeah I pretty much called that. Now they’re going to paint and everything tomorrow so I’ll get zero sleep again. I wonder when I’ll ever be able to sleep. Like, a nice full night’s sleep and wake up not feeling like I want to crumble into a ball and die or feel like I have to go back to sleep. I still want to sleep but who the fuck knows when that is happening. Side note, Mark and I had pretty amazing sex before our nap. I can’t stop thinking about it and the things he said. And his face. I never get to see his Oh face, it’s usually pitch black when we do it but his time, the lighting was just right. Thinking about it makes me want him more, you know, again? Twice in one day? But who knows when it’ll happen again?

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Road Trip Pt. Three

Nov. 17th, 2017 | 10:23 am
mood: gloomygloomy
music: MSI- Tight 8-Bit

I really hate that I can’t wake up as the same person everyday. Today I hate the world. I hate everything. I just want to go home, I want to be alone. I’m feeling too much. I miss my mom. I hate that I was told we’d (Mark and I) be sleeping in a hotel while Kiddo slept here. These people are nice but I didn’t intend on sleeping at their house. Why couldn’t we sleep at Madonna’s house? Why did he waste his money like that and not on this occasion? I would have been more comfortable in a hotel. I did not enjoy falling asleep next to Mark and waking up next to Kiddo, who’s a kicker among other things while asleep. And of course Mark is concerned, asking me what’s wrong and if he did anything to upset me. He did but he didn’t. I lied and said I was okay, claimed my “sad eyes” were because I’m tired. With a breakfast and some Fresca, I’ve managed to pull myself together for this day. Just for now.

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Road Trip Pt. Two

Nov. 16th, 2017 | 11:13 pm
mood: anxiousanxious
music: John Fogerty- The Old Man Down The Road

The exciting leg of the tour for me is over. We visited my Uncle Denis, Leo & Ursula, and Madonna. She was most surprised and super excited about the baby. She even bought some baby gear. It was really amazing to have my fiancé and my family meet under civil terms and with good news. They loved him and Kiddo. I couldn’t be prouder of my little family and that’s all thanks to Mark for being such an amazing person. I love hearing him talk about the baby. “We’re super stoked!” I feel loved. The actual feeling rather than some artificial fireworks going off. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I actually look forward to the future and don’t have to bury myself in alcohol to escape the choices I’ve made in a mate. Anyway, it was great seeing my family. I keep thanking Mark for everything. He drove, paid for everything, I mean... no one has ever done this kind of thing for me. Madonna was so happy. I always hate saying goodbye. She wants to find a way to move back to the Pacific Northwest but it’s complicated with her husband’s job. I miss her already. She’s my mom. She’ll always be my Mom. I had to catch Leo on Madonna’s Birthday rather than the day after like I had planned because he took off to Thailand for a month while Ursula recuperates after a length stint in the hospital. I’m glad she’s okay and wish he could be a part of her recovery but he’s chosen to head outta the country for a while.

Currently we’re in east Cali, in the middle of the bloody desert, visiting some of Kiddo’s family. You know, Mark’s ex. I believe it’s Kiddo’s mom’s Aunt and Uncle who are truly delightful people. Out in the desert-Desert (not like where I’m from) It’s beautiful and slightly terrifying but the seclusion from Society is nice. It’s been interesting hearing how these people feel regarding Mark’s ex and apparently I’m a step-up. Hearing the Uncle praise Mark for doing the right thing by giving this child a happy, stable life when the mother couldn’t do it, it’s changed my perspective on the whole situation. I used to think he was doing her a favor because his love for her ran deep but it’s quite the opposite. He’s helping this kid, not the family attached. It’s helped him grow in the process and shape into just the right man for me. He really is a great guy and I honestly do feel like the luckiest girl in the universe.

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Road Trip Pt. One

Nov. 12th, 2017 | 03:13 pm
mood: gratefulgrateful
music: KoRn- Justin

Wow. It’s been too long. I guess I’ve been giving my reminder to blog the breeze one too many times. Currently I’m in the car with Mark and Kiddo on our way to California to tell my parents and my uncle about the baby on the way. It’s all pretty surreal. Mark proposed to me yesterday. It wasn’t the most romantic way but still, it’s a step in the right direction.

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